Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?

This is what mild anxiety looks like

I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.

I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.

It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."

I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.

I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.

Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.

I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 

Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?

I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 

Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.

Back to codependence

I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.

It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.

M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.

Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.

Disappointment and attraction

After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.

I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.

The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.

With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.

At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.

New normal?

The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.

Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.

Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.

I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.

Baggage

Every day I see the baggage I have from my relationship with E. On top of the fact that I'm still dealing with it while I'm moving on, it doesn't take much for me to fear that I've fallen out of favor in new relationships. That was always my big concern with E -- because we didn't see love and commitment the same way, I feared he'd just turn around one day and decide I'm not worth it. I spent years trying to believe that E's way of loving was just as strong as mine, even if he expressed it differently. And then I was proven wrong. So any indication of disinterest is a red flag to me. I have no idea anymore how to gauge someone else's interest, even friends. It doesn't help that everyone but me seems to think it's polite to be indirect, to which I infallibly respond with being pushy and doubting their intentions.

I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.

Grief as told through Ani songs

I've been going from anger to sadness during my downtime this weekend. When I was hanging out with people, I felt ok, even if I was talking about E. But when left to my own devices, I swing from sobbing at the loss of everything that felt comfortable, to raging because he couldn't love me enough. I have mostly flamed out for the night.

There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:



I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.

I am now here:



I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through...  I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]

And I'm hoping to get closer to here:



I've got better things to do than survive.

What a new life looks like

This week was hard. Monday was E's birthday, and that set off a week of feeling a little on edge, and crying for a bit pretty much every day. At some point CS reminded me that it's ok to feel like shit, and it's ok to sit with that. I keep wishing that it would just go away, and I beat myself up for feeling bad ever. So I cried. I cried like the world was ending. And then it stopped. The world was still here, and I'm ok.

I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.

Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.

There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.

A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.

Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.

The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.

Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.

I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.

That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.

Happy Birthday, E

I want to write an eloquent happy birthday post to E, because he turns 30 today. I've been sad because I thought I'd be celebrating this day with him, and I thought it would be kind of amazing to think that when we each turn 30, we'd be well on our way to a life together. That obviously hasn't happened.

I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.

God, destruction, naming, and love

I miss God. I miss the company of someone utterly loyal. I still don't think of God as my betrayer. The servants of God, yes, but servants by their very nature betray. I miss God who was my friend. I don't even know if God exists, but I do know that if God is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. ....
 
As it is, I can't settle, I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and know that love is as strong as death, and be on my side for ever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me. 

There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.

Romantic love has been diluted into paperback form and has sold thousands and millions of copies. Somewhere it is still in the original, written on tablets of stone. I would cross seas and suffer sunstroke and give away all I have, but not for a man, because they want to be the destroyer, never the destroyed.

 --Jeannette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit

Lesson not learned, but crisis has passed

Of course, a little earlier this afternoon, I got a text from Cuteboy saying that his texts earlier before he left town apparently didn't go through, and then he was in the mountains without reception. Apparently his texts earlier were about how he spent Thursday in a contented daze. Me too, except the parts where I spent Thursday wondering why he hadn't said anything.

I texted Benjamin Braddock and said I had an adorable and wonderful time, and he responded by asking if we could do it again. Yes. Yes we definitely can.

I didn't learn to calm the fuck down, but at least I'm not still beating myself up for it? I dunno. I've done so much healing. I think maybe it's time to grow again.

Hey, maybe I'll get a tree tattooed on my hip instead of a phoenix. That's more relevant to my life in terms of cycles and rebirth.

Failing at learning to just be

On Friday, I texted Cuteboy and just say "hey, you." He hasn't responded. There are several possible reasons for this.

1- He had a trip to NC happening soon, and it may be this weekend.
2- His phone died or he's having some other manner of technological mishap.
3- He finds it off-putting that I texted first.
4- He doesn't want to be interrupted this weekend because he's spending quality time with his lady or someone else, and texting me back would be a boundary issue for them.
5- He changed his mind about me/his lady vetoed me.
6- He never really intended to see me again but didn't want to be straightforward.

1, 2, and 4 are pretty likely. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do 3 or 5 without saying something about it, and I really doubt that 6 is happening after the kind of time we had. But, because I'm me, I've worked myself into a bit of a lather. I have a huge project due tomorrow at 4:30, and I'm having the worst time working on it. I decided yesterday that I'd give him until Monday to respond, and then I'd assume it's over. After all, he said, "Let's hang out after the weekend, and talk sooner." On Friday I realized that it's not that I'm crushing on Cuteboy all that much. It's that I had fun, and I'm relieved to finally find something that seems like it'll work for me. Finally! I mean, it's only been six months and I've only really been looking for two, but still. It's been frustrating. It's the confusion over whether to be hopeful or disappointed. I'm probably putting myself through disappointment preemptively, but hope will just build me up higher and the fall will be steeper. Though with the kind of hurt and disappointment I've been through in the last six months -- from E to M to Morgan to Curtis to David to Matt and back to E -- what am I worried about? I guess I'm so sure that this town is tapped out. I think I see Cuteboy's existence as another scratched off lottery ticket instead of evidence that there are more people to like.

I had a date on Saturday with another guy that I'm also pretty into, but I think it's a different kind of thing and we didn't get sweet. I think it's heading that way, but he's a lot younger than me and it kind of freaks me out. I was able to put Cuteboy down easily while I was with the other boy, but Benjie doesn't stress me out. The thing is, I want to date the two of them. I think Benjie might want something more than I'm willing or able to give, and I don't want to be exclusive on accident. Cuteboy is in other relationships, so I'd worry less about accidental exclusivity there. Also I've slept with Cuteboy and I haven't slept with Benjie, so there's an unknown in the accidental comparison. And Cuteboy is unavailable, which increases the risk and excitement.

I know that as soon as I hear from Cuteboy, this whole feeling will dissolve. I am so dependent on anyone's validation right now, and he's the big winner this weekend. I really don't want to be there. This is probably the most codependent I've felt at a time when I could recognize it. It's not just that hearing from him will be evidence that I've got a new buddy. It's that without that evidence, I feel like I have no assurance that I'm worthy of a new buddy. Right now the only way I'm able to deal with this is through the symptoms. I can distract myself, and I set an alarm for tomorrow at noon. I put chicken on to cook, and I'm going to make some more food for now and for the week. If I don't hear from him by noon tomorrow, I text again and ask if he wants to come over Tuesday. If he doesn't respond, I write him off. If he responds inconclusively, I ask about boundaries etc. I don't know how to move forward with Benjie, either, but the lower stress of that situation makes me feel like I can reach out and it won't be a thing.

Now if only I could focus on my homework.

Moving on, and learning to just be

Monday felt like a turning point, and the date I had on Wednesday confirmed it. I had drinks with a sweet boy, P, who speaks a remarkably similar emotional and sexual language to me. Normalizing kinks, focusing on enthusiasm and engagement rather than consent or taboo, encouraging me to keep an open dialogue about feelings, etc. He's smart and funny and sweet, and he smiles during sex, which is new to me. He seems to experience it on several levels, both enjoying the experience and simultaneously seeing it as if he's on the outside thinking, "Wow, what those people are doing is really hot." His existence also reminded me that there are guys I don't already know who I could be compatible with.

He's in a primary relationship that doesn't seem to be extremely serious, and is mostly unlabelled. But she gets veto power over other relationships. I'm already just a little jealous of her. Mostly because his having a primary means that my options with him are limited. Not that he couldn't feel however he wants to feel about me, but knowing that they're limited obviously makes me want what I can't have. Even though when I think about it, I don't think I'm in a place to be in a committed relationship, poly or not. I've convinced myself through experience that I'm capable of loving people in different ways and in different kinds of relationships, but I can never conceive of others being able to do the same. Sometimes, like with E and M, there are ways to reassure me. But in general, I can't understand it.

The thing I need to figure out is how to stop processing with him. I like to fill empty space with processing. I swallowed that urge once or twice Thursday morning, but I processed more than I avoided it. I asked when I'd see him again, and he suggested after the weekend. I said that sounded good. When I went to kiss him goodbye, he said, "See you after the weekend, and talk to you sooner than that." I'm eager to talk to him, but I do think he'll text me sometime over the weekend. But I want to know how this will be. I want to know if it's just sex between people who are fond of each other. He's referred to himself as someone who has sex within friendships that are slightly romantic. I don't know if that means we get sweet and sexy, or if that means we can go on dates. I want to go on date. I don't want a hookupbuddy, exactly. I don't want a boyfriend either. I want to have him over and cook dinner together, or go to a show that sounds like fun. That's something I do with friends, but when you add sex to the mix, it sounds a lot more like boyfriendy things. I feel like we had a connection, which probably is new relationship energy. I don't know if he felt that, or if he just felt like hey this is a good idea. I know I don't want or need him to be my person.

I've been feeling like this song:

I'm done.

Tonight was a disaster. I thought me and E could handle hanging out for a friend's birthday -- after all, we'd hung out one on one several times and were ok. By the end of the night, I'd cried my eyes out and I'm fucking DONE now. I need to get this out and down, and the easiest way is by sharing an edited version of this conversation. The things I've removed are to tone down the anger of the first venting, and the irrelevant stuff about knitting towards the end. Scroll to the bottom and you'll see the resignation, nostalgia, and anger I feel simultaneously.

me: you there?

  i just got home

 C: I am

 me: i'm done with this shit

  we had two seconds alone and i asked how he was and he said it was hard leaving L at home, but she wouldn't have come anyway, and that's my fault bc i always make things awkward.

  and then he stormed away.

  several times.

1:35 AM ended up getting a drink and leaving it and leaving our friend whose bday it was, and i made the friend chase him or else e would be mad at me forever.

 C: several? as in he came back after storming away?

 me: as in i followed him bc he was going outside, then back inside.

  the bday friend's girlfriend stayed with me, and i deleted him from my phone, and deleted the text log.

  i had brought a plant that he left at my house, but he stormed off so i didn't get to give it to him.

1:36 AM so i left it on the front porch. of course, he wasn't home. i didn't care.

  i had asked if he still needed space, and he said yes, and that's when he said the L thing.

  

 me: i'm mailing his car key back to him. and a check that should cover the leftover bills that we had that he's been stalling on.

1:37 AM jocelyn kept telling me that i was so much healthier bc i wasn't running away from my feelings.

  and she's right.

  i'm not angry right now, but a little manic.

 C: manic?

1:38 AM me: a little.

  i don't really get manic, so it's more like i'm energetic

  but not happy.

  not crying, not in a rage.

  just in a FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

  sort of way

 C: rage?

  furious?

 me: like i was just ripped off by a stranger.

 C: ;nods

 me: and now i just have things to attend to.

1:39 AM i don't know who that person was. i have no fucking clue. i knew a person who was smart and funny and easy and a little awkward.

  this person was cold, closed off, and rude. he was mean.

 C: I'm so sorry, hon.

 me: fuck him

  i don't care.

1:40 AM i was trying to feel myself out, to see if i wanted him to disappear or wanted him to be happy or wanted him in my life.

  and i don't care. he's a fucking stranger.

  i'm trying to write a note to go with the check, but my handwriting looks rageful.

1:41 AM C: Sleep on the note?

 me: no, it'll be just business.

1:42 AM  

me: the note says:

1:51 AM Please leave any of my things tha tyou still have on my porch or in my mailbox. I especially need my vacuum, my bike, and my spare car keys. You can keep the octagon until I move out of town, or until you no longer need it.

  [the octagon is a big sturdy end table. he still has it.]

 C: ah

  seems short n curt. perfect.

1:52 AM me: good.

  thanks.

1:53 AM i also have a pair of his glasses that i'm including. 

C: I can't believe he threw a hissy fit at you.

 me: yea

  for real.

  and it hink he was really pissed that i made him do it in front of friends.

  one who now thinks he had a nutty.

  even though i was the one crying in a bar. again.

2:00 AM you know what?

  i have a date on wednesday with a guy who i think will be a good sexual match.

 C: EPIC.

 me: and another date later in the week, with a guy i think will just be a sweet friend and maybe cuddlebuddy.

2:01 AM i'm tired of first dates overall, but these two seem good and i'm excited.

  i was thinking i'd take any first date and just give it a try. i don't think i'm there anymore.

  

Femme, femininity, and validation

Every time I go to work, I dread the moment L sees that I'm there. Without fail, she calls out "Jak-uh-liiiiiin" and then proceeds to tell me that I'm looking so nice, in a way that means, "You're looking nice these days, compared to back when you were looking crappy." If there's anyone else around, she turns to them and says, "Isn't she looking nice with her hair all grown out and pretty?" I know L, and I know that she means this in a sweet way, not in a back-handed "ew gross don't do the butch thing" way. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm being complimented not on finding a hairstyle that looks good on me, or walking around with confidence, or looking happy, but on my femininity.

A few things in the last week have made me think more about this. When talking to a sweet friend about the queer community in his city, he said I'd love the femme group. This particular friend has no reason to know about my complicated feelings about femininity and queer femme communities, but he also has no reason to think that I identify as femme except that I'm a queer cissexual woman who usually dates boys. My friend apologized for making that assumption, and I know that he genuinely felt like a doofus for doing so. He knows what it's like to be misrecognized.

On my driver's license, my hair is short, in a lazy fauxhawk and I'm wearing no makeup. Now, my hair is past my shoulders and layered, and I wear makeup a few times a week. I genuinely think I'm looking really good lately. Because I am looking good. Not because I look better when more feminine, or women in general look better when more feminine.

Last night I went out with three friends. One is a queer woman whose gender expression is fairly similar to mine but who doesn't identify as femme, one is her somewhat fey but mostly straight boyfriend, and one is a guy whose gender identity is somewhat in flux but who tends to get "tarted up" to go out. We met at this last guy's apartment, and I said it makes me smile that in the bathroom he shares with his female roommate, it's pretty certain that the makeup is his. In the ensuing conversation, my girl friend said that she sees me as androgynous, but not as gender neutral. Basically, the construction goes like this: androgynous : gender neutral : : ambivalence : indifference. Ambivalence means having two opinions/feelings/etc that are in "opposition" to each other, and holding them simultaneously. That's how I feel about my gender. It's not moderate, or neutral, or in between. It swings wildly from femme to butch, or feminine to masculine, and doesn't much stop in between. I was thrilled that she understood that distinction, and even more thrilled that she correctly applied it to me. It felt validating to have all the parts of me recognized.

For a long time, I felt disdain towards the idea of a femme identity. The only femmes I knew were lesbians in relationships with butch women or, more often, trans guys, who felt the need to invest in their gender in a way that matched the intensity of their partners'. There was a lot of talk of invisibility, in a way that meant "it's so hard to get laid because no one thinks I'm gay." These folks, too, always assumed I was femme -- mostly because my partner at the time is a trans guy. Once I was away from that group of people, I realized that that's not always (or usually) what femme identities are about. I heard someone explain it as intentionally and personally choosing femininity and femme expression, in a world that expects us to be up to someone else's standards of femininity. The power of claiming something as your own is a power that I've grasped in other places in my life. For example, I can be a queer woman in relationships with straight guys because I get to choose how and with whom my relationships develop.

My identity is not femme, but it isn't butch either. It's not somewhere in between. It's kickass, and strong, and empathetic, and a good friend, and a rabblerouser. It's refinishing a cabinet to house my craft supplies, sewing myself a toolbelt, and taking apart my sewing machine to fix the broken lever. It's not complicated, but it doesn't fit easily into any box. And damnit, it's hot.

Boys suck.

No, seriously. Boys suck.

The whole Boy 2 thing is basically over, except we can communicate as needed. Boy 1 had sent me this vague "I'll be busy for a while" thing a few days ago. So I asked if we should make plans for some future time or if I should just back off. He responded two days later with this:

"I got busy again at work and with some other stuff, so probably no more hanging out for a while. You should still send me blogs though!"

Wtf? A is suggesting that he's just not into me, and that's ok, bc it's not a reflection on me. Which is fine, but WTF. I know he doesn't like things getting personal. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a three-date limit on any interaction. I know he has a surprisingly low sex drive, so maybe once is enough for these three months? What the fuck? I liked this guy. Why is it the guys I like who lose interest? I've got plenty of guys I'm not interested in that I could call.

You know what?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything that hurts is a fear for the future. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to lose E forever. I don't want to miss him/the relationship forever. Yeah. Duh. But right now, at this minute, I'm fine. I might not be fine in the future, and I know I wasn't always fine in the past. But I can't know that, and I can't do anything about that. I can keep moving. I am fine. No really, I am.

Fear, and an update on meds

I have said for years that I don't want to make my life decisions based on fear. But these days, a lot of what I do is out of fear. Mostly it's fear of feeling pain. I hate pain. I keep looking back at the last four years and wondering if it was really as rosy as it looks to me now. I'm sure it wasn't, but I also know that there were many many times that I looked at E and just said "This is amazing; I'm so happy I found you." I think that's part of how he knew we didn't feel the same about each other.

I miss him so much. I say that knowing that he has access to these blog posts and has said that he'll be avoiding the ones that are emotional. The ones that aren't are few and far between right now, but I have no way of knowing if he's reading or not. I miss my friend. I miss having someone who just felt right. Replacing him in my life will always be imperfect, but even setting aside the committed partner stuff, it means replacing a friend, a lover, the funniest person I know, the smartest person I know, the most progressive and feminist person I know, someone who loved and adored the hell out of me, someone who made me think about things, a person who shared my cynical interest in politics and a lazy Saturday of flea market and bagels and thrift stores. Most of those things are things he can still be without reverting back to our old relationship, but losing so many people in just this one person makes it really hard. We might not actually be capable of being close without reverting. When we talked the other day, he said it's been hard for him to go from seeing me all the time to barely speaking at all. I suspect he's feeling a little bit of the same thing I am. It's a double-edged sword. We miss each other, but being too close means we miss much more. Maybe we became too many things to each other and we should have been spreading the love and support around more. But in any case, we were a lot to each other. My aggregate boyfriend idea hasn't panned out very well, but that in itself was a paltry Plan B.

I feel like I'm treading water. I had a year like this before in my life. When everything fell apart and I barely made it through and then moved away after a year. It was my senior year of high school. It feels so similar that I have to keep reminding myself that I am an adult with a lot more in my life than I had then, and I'm strong and when I move on it'll be doing something for me, not running away. But even grad school is scary. I thought we'd be moving on together. We both thought that would be really stressful, but it felt a lot more stable.

I said several weeks ago that my litmus test for being friends with E would have to be when having him in my life no longer felt like the only thing I wanted. I think I got there, but that's in large part because there is very little desperation left. These last three days have mostly been just sadness. The Abilify gave me a headache and insomnia and maybe anxiety the first day, but I took it again. I can't tell how I feel. I'm still sad, but not sobbing. This stretch is the worst I've had in about two weeks. I'll be happy when it fades, but I have no idea what the best idea is for getting through until then. I know the zoloft dosage increase will be a good thing, but it'll take a while to have much of an effect. If I keep taking the Abilify, I think it'll mostly dull everything. I don't like feeling dulled. Dull feels boring and boring feels lonely and lonely feels sad. I'll try this for a week. After a week, if I'm not feeling calmer and less depressed, I'm done. My mom and our doctor friends are flipping out, and I'm really tired of her saying the same damn thing every day. I know it's a concern. I know it's probably overkill. I'm taking it for a week to see how it is. Right now, it gets an F two days in a row. If this shit doesn't make me less depressed, there's no reason for it.

New meds and loss

I thought a lot about whether to start the new meds my new psychiatrist gave me yesterday. He upped the dosage of my SSRI, which I took promptly, and added Abilify. My mom kind of freaked out at the idea of taking Abilify, because it's usually used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar, and the psych didn't say anything about a new diagnosis. The only thing he did say was that he hoped this would "help make things easier." Abilify has been used more recently with SSRIs to alleviate major depression, and that seems to be the purpose of my prescription.

Here's the problem. Not only are there a lot more side effects than I'm really willing to deal with (common ones include headache, nervousness/anxiety, insomnia, and stomach/GI issues), but anxiety and insomnia are the two things I needed help reducing. After talking to a friend who's taken Abilify for its original purposes, I decided I'd take it for a week and see how it went.

My usual sleep pattern is going to bed around 11, waking up momentarily at 3 and 6, and getting up with my alarm at 8. Usually I can fall back asleep easily, but not always. Last night I tossed and turned from around 2 to 6, and got up to take ibuprofen sometime in there for a headache. I feel anxious this morning.

It doesn't help that Boy 2 needs space to deal with this whole sex addiction thing. That feels like a loss that I wasn't prepared to deal with. A loss of a new person I liked, and of a connection that I didn't expect, and of the solution to feeling bored and unsexy. Am I glad I had great sex, or would I have rather not known what was possible? I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't get to choose now. It's 9 a.m. and I feel hopeless and sad. There's still a friend sleeping in my room, but I feel totally alone.  As usual, I can't think of anyone or anything that would help this feel better. I'm so tired of meeting new people. I just want the people I have.

It's not backsliding, it's traversing the same terrain

Today sucked. There's really no other way to put it. My roommate was exhausted after a 15-minute summary of the day. Pretty much every possible button I have was flipped in some way.

First, I had a good dinner with E last night. It felt comfortable and friendly, if not exactly "back to normal," which is good, because we have to find a new normal. More importantly, I didn't feel anything very strongly at all. I felt balanced. He avoided talking about L, the mutual friend he's dating, and I appreciated that. He did talk about other things going on, and I found myself wanting him to lean on me. He rarely did that when we were together, though, so I doubt he'll take me up on it much now. We both have the task of figuring out how much space is enough. I think, for now, hanging out in finite ways, and alone, is good. Social situations will be difficult.

Second, my best friend has a concussion due to police brutality, and it freaked me out even more after I saw video of it. I need to check with him before I write too much more about it, but I AM HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

Third, I had coffee with my friend J, who I hadn't heard from in two weeks and hadn't seen in a month. I missed him like crazy and even though I knew the silence was due to personal struggles and not about me, I was pretty frustrated. He texted me last night and we hung out today, which was great! Except it led to me talking about E, how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. The holidays will be especially hard, and L is still a very hard issue for me to deal with. (Let's be fair -- if I disliked her, it would be easier. The fact that I like her rather a lot makes this much harder.) I hate that it's hard, but it's just where I am right now. So I felt a little anxious after talking about my weaknesses, but I was ok.

Then I met with a classmate and got some good work done, and went to read on the quad for a while. I was scared to run into L because that's a part of campus she's likely to be on, but I decided to stop worrying about it.

Fourth, I get an email from Boy 1, who I hadn't talked to much over the week. I had emailed him to see if he still wanted to go see this movie we'd talked about, which is only open this weekend. He said he'd be pretty busy the next few weeks. I didn't know what to say back, so I haven't responded. Then ten minutes later he sent me his "interesting blog roundup" that he puts together for me every so often. Which made me think maybe he wasn't blowing me off?

Fifth, I get a text from Boy 2. He's the one with whom I had an incredible and intense sexual connection. After he left my house yesterday, he texted me and half-joked that he thinks he's a sex addict. There have been half a dozen times that he could have come over and had sex with me, and he didn't take me up on it, and I generally think that level of self control is an indication of lack of addiction. His therapist gave him some manner of checklist test thing today, where a score of 6/20 was an indication of sex addiction. He scored 15/20. He's going to work on dealing with that, but it definitely means we're not fucking for a good long while, if ever again. I found that I instantly had emotional feelings for him, and I cared more about his wellbeing than I expected I would. And losing that intense connection suddenly felt like an incredible loss. We talked about it a little bit as I drove to my psychiatrist appointment.

Sixth, on the way to the appointment, I pulled up at a red light right next to L. Based on how she and I have left things, I honked and waved. She looked at me like I was insane, barely waved, and looked away for the duration of the light. I don't think that reaction was entirely about me, but jesus it hurt.

Seventh, I get to the psychiatrist's office for the first appointment I've had in seven years, and I'm just crying. I'm weeping like a mourner, and I can't pin it to any single thing, just to a day of feeling intense loss. Psychiatrist is entirely uninterested, and I don't think we make eye contact at all. He knows the recent stuff is related to a breakup, but I think he assumed it was some silly little thing, not the loss of someone I considered family and a pillar of my future. He seemed to fall asleep while writing things several times. But he changed some dosages and I'm hoping it'll help. I've still got my therapist regularly, so I've got a plan.

Eventually I get home and I'm crying, sobbing, screaming, so frustrated at loss and depression and anxiety and fear and stress and lack of control. Most of my normal folks to talk to aren't around, but eventually I find one friend, with whom I've been less close during this breakdown, who's around. He helped immensely, as did the Ativan I finally made myself take. And he convinced me to see this more as a bumblebee's trail, not as backsliding. I have to traverse the same shitty terrain every now and then, but this time I have a map. Next time I'll have GPS. But there will be a next time. The important thing is where I get to after this. These are triggers, and the sound of the shot will fade.

I went to class, which was fine, and I wasn't even mad at myself for being underprepared. Now my sweet snuggley friend T is coming over and I'm happy to have someone to be boring with at my house. Now if only my eyes would stop burning.

State of the Jaclyn

I just looked it up in my calendar. Aug 16 is when this breakdown started. It has changed character almost weekly. Reflecting in hopes of recognizing that I've come a long way.

Aug 16-22-- Panic attacks several times a day, suicidal and self-harm ideation; reached out and found, to my surprise, that a hell of a lot of people were willing to spend time with me; had a hard do-not-talk restriction w/E, saw him once, decided we still needed a lot of space, but thought we'd ease into something

Aug 23-29-- Sobbing fits pretty much every day, and a lot of fear; went on several dates and one snuggle date; called E once when I was in crisis, pissed him off really bad later that week, started another do-not-talk phase; got a damn cute haircut that did wonders for my self-esteem

Aug 30-Sept 5-- Heavy sadness, but managed ok; went to Charlotte, spent good time with people I care about; found a way to push myself to break down, knowing that after crying I'd find a calm; started talking to people with similar mental health stuff, even though I wasn't previously close to them

Sept 6-12-- Ran into E twice, which really threw me off; had a few days of not crying, but knew that that wouldn't last; had a good lunch with E and felt like we weren't going to ease into anything but we didn't have a hard no-talking line anymore; started missing E a lot as a person, not just as a pillar of my life/future; had kind of a lot of sex with kind of a lot of people, and found that that led to a calm; missed M a lot; found my anger for about an hour, then hit a depression/melancholy phase; had therapy and learned that I can soothe myself -- holding something (even a hoodie) helps tremendously

Sept 13-19-- Glorious time with friends and family; missed E but was so busy and surrounded that I was able to talk about him easily, even in the past tense; had a sense of a future for myself; decided that no, I'm not at all looking for a relationship right now -- I'll save that for when I'm actually healed and more settled

Last few days-- Missing my friend E; wondering how I managed to find so many foul-weather friends, but not so many neutral or fair-weather friends; I'm finding things that make me happy, but the moment I'm not actively happy, I start weeping; mom's sixth sense keeps kicking in, and she calls without prompting almost every time I have a really hard time (or she calls often and I'm having a hard time often, but whatever, I prefer mom-sense); have a psych appointment on Monday and a dentist appointment on Tuesday

Ok. I am definitely doing better. Every phase felt like it wouldn't fade, and then it did. But this one is based on E being a great person that I want in my life. I think he needs more space from me than I want from him, but I don't think my need and my want are in line. I still have thoughts every now and then that remind me that I'm not ready to have good boundaries, e.g. wanting to take care of him bc I know some things are crazy right now. I'm still afraid to run into him, which has been so since week four's incidents. I feel myself moving into a familiar trauma phase, where I fixate on something that makes me sad, and then I just bring up that single thing all the time. I've promised myself that when I do that, I'll immediately think of a slice of American cheese. I don't know why, it's just a random innocuous thing that I thought of out of nowhere. Like so: