Every day I see the baggage I have from my relationship with E. On top of the fact that I'm still dealing with it while I'm moving on, it doesn't take much for me to fear that I've fallen out of favor in new relationships. That was always my big concern with E -- because we didn't see love and commitment the same way, I feared he'd just turn around one day and decide I'm not worth it. I spent years trying to believe that E's way of loving was just as strong as mine, even if he expressed it differently. And then I was proven wrong. So any indication of disinterest is a red flag to me. I have no idea anymore how to gauge someone else's interest, even friends. It doesn't help that everyone but me seems to think it's polite to be indirect, to which I infallibly respond with being pushy and doubting their intentions.
I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Grief as told through Ani songs
I've been going from anger to sadness during my downtime this weekend. When I was hanging out with people, I felt ok, even if I was talking about E. But when left to my own devices, I swing from sobbing at the loss of everything that felt comfortable, to raging because he couldn't love me enough. I have mostly flamed out for the night.
There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:
I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.
I am now here:
I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through... I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]
And I'm hoping to get closer to here:
I've got better things to do than survive.
There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:
I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.
I am now here:
I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through... I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]
And I'm hoping to get closer to here:
I've got better things to do than survive.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
What a new life looks like
This week was hard. Monday was E's birthday, and that set off a week of feeling a little on edge, and crying for a bit pretty much every day. At some point CS reminded me that it's ok to feel like shit, and it's ok to sit with that. I keep wishing that it would just go away, and I beat myself up for feeling bad ever. So I cried. I cried like the world was ending. And then it stopped. The world was still here, and I'm ok.
I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.
Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.
There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.
A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.
Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.
The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.
Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.
I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.
That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.
I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.
Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.
There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.
A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.
Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.
The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.
Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.
I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.
That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Happy Birthday, E
I want to write an eloquent happy birthday post to E, because he turns 30 today. I've been sad because I thought I'd be celebrating this day with him, and I thought it would be kind of amazing to think that when we each turn 30, we'd be well on our way to a life together. That obviously hasn't happened.
I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.
I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
God, destruction, naming, and love
I miss God. I miss the company of someone utterly loyal. I still don't think of God as my betrayer. The servants of God, yes, but servants by their very nature betray. I miss God who was my friend. I don't even know if God exists, but I do know that if God is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. ....
As it is, I can't settle, I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and know that love is as strong as death, and be on my side for ever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me.
There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.
Romantic love has been diluted into paperback form and has sold thousands and millions of copies. Somewhere it is still in the original, written on tablets of stone. I would cross seas and suffer sunstroke and give away all I have, but not for a man, because they want to be the destroyer, never the destroyed.
--Jeannette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit
As it is, I can't settle, I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and know that love is as strong as death, and be on my side for ever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me.
There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.
Romantic love has been diluted into paperback form and has sold thousands and millions of copies. Somewhere it is still in the original, written on tablets of stone. I would cross seas and suffer sunstroke and give away all I have, but not for a man, because they want to be the destroyer, never the destroyed.
--Jeannette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Lesson not learned, but crisis has passed
Of course, a little earlier this afternoon, I got a text from Cuteboy saying that his texts earlier before he left town apparently didn't go through, and then he was in the mountains without reception. Apparently his texts earlier were about how he spent Thursday in a contented daze. Me too, except the parts where I spent Thursday wondering why he hadn't said anything.
I texted Benjamin Braddock and said I had an adorable and wonderful time, and he responded by asking if we could do it again. Yes. Yes we definitely can.
I didn't learn to calm the fuck down, but at least I'm not still beating myself up for it? I dunno. I've done so much healing. I think maybe it's time to grow again.
Hey, maybe I'll get a tree tattooed on my hip instead of a phoenix. That's more relevant to my life in terms of cycles and rebirth.
I texted Benjamin Braddock and said I had an adorable and wonderful time, and he responded by asking if we could do it again. Yes. Yes we definitely can.
I didn't learn to calm the fuck down, but at least I'm not still beating myself up for it? I dunno. I've done so much healing. I think maybe it's time to grow again.
Hey, maybe I'll get a tree tattooed on my hip instead of a phoenix. That's more relevant to my life in terms of cycles and rebirth.
Failing at learning to just be
On Friday, I texted Cuteboy and just say "hey, you." He hasn't responded. There are several possible reasons for this.
1- He had a trip to NC happening soon, and it may be this weekend.
2- His phone died or he's having some other manner of technological mishap.
3- He finds it off-putting that I texted first.
4- He doesn't want to be interrupted this weekend because he's spending quality time with his lady or someone else, and texting me back would be a boundary issue for them.
5- He changed his mind about me/his lady vetoed me.
6- He never really intended to see me again but didn't want to be straightforward.
1, 2, and 4 are pretty likely. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do 3 or 5 without saying something about it, and I really doubt that 6 is happening after the kind of time we had. But, because I'm me, I've worked myself into a bit of a lather. I have a huge project due tomorrow at 4:30, and I'm having the worst time working on it. I decided yesterday that I'd give him until Monday to respond, and then I'd assume it's over. After all, he said, "Let's hang out after the weekend, and talk sooner." On Friday I realized that it's not that I'm crushing on Cuteboy all that much. It's that I had fun, and I'm relieved to finally find something that seems like it'll work for me. Finally! I mean, it's only been six months and I've only really been looking for two, but still. It's been frustrating. It's the confusion over whether to be hopeful or disappointed. I'm probably putting myself through disappointment preemptively, but hope will just build me up higher and the fall will be steeper. Though with the kind of hurt and disappointment I've been through in the last six months -- from E to M to Morgan to Curtis to David to Matt and back to E -- what am I worried about? I guess I'm so sure that this town is tapped out. I think I see Cuteboy's existence as another scratched off lottery ticket instead of evidence that there are more people to like.
I had a date on Saturday with another guy that I'm also pretty into, but I think it's a different kind of thing and we didn't get sweet. I think it's heading that way, but he's a lot younger than me and it kind of freaks me out. I was able to put Cuteboy down easily while I was with the other boy, but Benjie doesn't stress me out. The thing is, I want to date the two of them. I think Benjie might want something more than I'm willing or able to give, and I don't want to be exclusive on accident. Cuteboy is in other relationships, so I'd worry less about accidental exclusivity there. Also I've slept with Cuteboy and I haven't slept with Benjie, so there's an unknown in the accidental comparison. And Cuteboy is unavailable, which increases the risk and excitement.
I know that as soon as I hear from Cuteboy, this whole feeling will dissolve. I am so dependent on anyone's validation right now, and he's the big winner this weekend. I really don't want to be there. This is probably the most codependent I've felt at a time when I could recognize it. It's not just that hearing from him will be evidence that I've got a new buddy. It's that without that evidence, I feel like I have no assurance that I'm worthy of a new buddy. Right now the only way I'm able to deal with this is through the symptoms. I can distract myself, and I set an alarm for tomorrow at noon. I put chicken on to cook, and I'm going to make some more food for now and for the week. If I don't hear from him by noon tomorrow, I text again and ask if he wants to come over Tuesday. If he doesn't respond, I write him off. If he responds inconclusively, I ask about boundaries etc. I don't know how to move forward with Benjie, either, but the lower stress of that situation makes me feel like I can reach out and it won't be a thing.
Now if only I could focus on my homework.
1- He had a trip to NC happening soon, and it may be this weekend.
2- His phone died or he's having some other manner of technological mishap.
3- He finds it off-putting that I texted first.
4- He doesn't want to be interrupted this weekend because he's spending quality time with his lady or someone else, and texting me back would be a boundary issue for them.
5- He changed his mind about me/his lady vetoed me.
6- He never really intended to see me again but didn't want to be straightforward.
1, 2, and 4 are pretty likely. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do 3 or 5 without saying something about it, and I really doubt that 6 is happening after the kind of time we had. But, because I'm me, I've worked myself into a bit of a lather. I have a huge project due tomorrow at 4:30, and I'm having the worst time working on it. I decided yesterday that I'd give him until Monday to respond, and then I'd assume it's over. After all, he said, "Let's hang out after the weekend, and talk sooner." On Friday I realized that it's not that I'm crushing on Cuteboy all that much. It's that I had fun, and I'm relieved to finally find something that seems like it'll work for me. Finally! I mean, it's only been six months and I've only really been looking for two, but still. It's been frustrating. It's the confusion over whether to be hopeful or disappointed. I'm probably putting myself through disappointment preemptively, but hope will just build me up higher and the fall will be steeper. Though with the kind of hurt and disappointment I've been through in the last six months -- from E to M to Morgan to Curtis to David to Matt and back to E -- what am I worried about? I guess I'm so sure that this town is tapped out. I think I see Cuteboy's existence as another scratched off lottery ticket instead of evidence that there are more people to like.
I had a date on Saturday with another guy that I'm also pretty into, but I think it's a different kind of thing and we didn't get sweet. I think it's heading that way, but he's a lot younger than me and it kind of freaks me out. I was able to put Cuteboy down easily while I was with the other boy, but Benjie doesn't stress me out. The thing is, I want to date the two of them. I think Benjie might want something more than I'm willing or able to give, and I don't want to be exclusive on accident. Cuteboy is in other relationships, so I'd worry less about accidental exclusivity there. Also I've slept with Cuteboy and I haven't slept with Benjie, so there's an unknown in the accidental comparison. And Cuteboy is unavailable, which increases the risk and excitement.
I know that as soon as I hear from Cuteboy, this whole feeling will dissolve. I am so dependent on anyone's validation right now, and he's the big winner this weekend. I really don't want to be there. This is probably the most codependent I've felt at a time when I could recognize it. It's not just that hearing from him will be evidence that I've got a new buddy. It's that without that evidence, I feel like I have no assurance that I'm worthy of a new buddy. Right now the only way I'm able to deal with this is through the symptoms. I can distract myself, and I set an alarm for tomorrow at noon. I put chicken on to cook, and I'm going to make some more food for now and for the week. If I don't hear from him by noon tomorrow, I text again and ask if he wants to come over Tuesday. If he doesn't respond, I write him off. If he responds inconclusively, I ask about boundaries etc. I don't know how to move forward with Benjie, either, but the lower stress of that situation makes me feel like I can reach out and it won't be a thing.
Now if only I could focus on my homework.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Moving on, and learning to just be
Monday felt like a turning point, and the date I had on Wednesday confirmed it. I had drinks with a sweet boy, P, who speaks a remarkably similar emotional and sexual language to me. Normalizing kinks, focusing on enthusiasm and engagement rather than consent or taboo, encouraging me to keep an open dialogue about feelings, etc. He's smart and funny and sweet, and he smiles during sex, which is new to me. He seems to experience it on several levels, both enjoying the experience and simultaneously seeing it as if he's on the outside thinking, "Wow, what those people are doing is really hot." His existence also reminded me that there are guys I don't already know who I could be compatible with.
He's in a primary relationship that doesn't seem to be extremely serious, and is mostly unlabelled. But she gets veto power over other relationships. I'm already just a little jealous of her. Mostly because his having a primary means that my options with him are limited. Not that he couldn't feel however he wants to feel about me, but knowing that they're limited obviously makes me want what I can't have. Even though when I think about it, I don't think I'm in a place to be in a committed relationship, poly or not. I've convinced myself through experience that I'm capable of loving people in different ways and in different kinds of relationships, but I can never conceive of others being able to do the same. Sometimes, like with E and M, there are ways to reassure me. But in general, I can't understand it.
The thing I need to figure out is how to stop processing with him. I like to fill empty space with processing. I swallowed that urge once or twice Thursday morning, but I processed more than I avoided it. I asked when I'd see him again, and he suggested after the weekend. I said that sounded good. When I went to kiss him goodbye, he said, "See you after the weekend, and talk to you sooner than that." I'm eager to talk to him, but I do think he'll text me sometime over the weekend. But I want to know how this will be. I want to know if it's just sex between people who are fond of each other. He's referred to himself as someone who has sex within friendships that are slightly romantic. I don't know if that means we get sweet and sexy, or if that means we can go on dates. I want to go on date. I don't want a hookupbuddy, exactly. I don't want a boyfriend either. I want to have him over and cook dinner together, or go to a show that sounds like fun. That's something I do with friends, but when you add sex to the mix, it sounds a lot more like boyfriendy things. I feel like we had a connection, which probably is new relationship energy. I don't know if he felt that, or if he just felt like hey this is a good idea. I know I don't want or need him to be my person.
I've been feeling like this song:
He's in a primary relationship that doesn't seem to be extremely serious, and is mostly unlabelled. But she gets veto power over other relationships. I'm already just a little jealous of her. Mostly because his having a primary means that my options with him are limited. Not that he couldn't feel however he wants to feel about me, but knowing that they're limited obviously makes me want what I can't have. Even though when I think about it, I don't think I'm in a place to be in a committed relationship, poly or not. I've convinced myself through experience that I'm capable of loving people in different ways and in different kinds of relationships, but I can never conceive of others being able to do the same. Sometimes, like with E and M, there are ways to reassure me. But in general, I can't understand it.
The thing I need to figure out is how to stop processing with him. I like to fill empty space with processing. I swallowed that urge once or twice Thursday morning, but I processed more than I avoided it. I asked when I'd see him again, and he suggested after the weekend. I said that sounded good. When I went to kiss him goodbye, he said, "See you after the weekend, and talk to you sooner than that." I'm eager to talk to him, but I do think he'll text me sometime over the weekend. But I want to know how this will be. I want to know if it's just sex between people who are fond of each other. He's referred to himself as someone who has sex within friendships that are slightly romantic. I don't know if that means we get sweet and sexy, or if that means we can go on dates. I want to go on date. I don't want a hookupbuddy, exactly. I don't want a boyfriend either. I want to have him over and cook dinner together, or go to a show that sounds like fun. That's something I do with friends, but when you add sex to the mix, it sounds a lot more like boyfriendy things. I feel like we had a connection, which probably is new relationship energy. I don't know if he felt that, or if he just felt like hey this is a good idea. I know I don't want or need him to be my person.
I've been feeling like this song:
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I'm done.
Tonight was a disaster. I thought me and E could handle hanging out for a friend's birthday -- after all, we'd hung out one on one several times and were ok. By the end of the night, I'd cried my eyes out and I'm fucking DONE now. I need to get this out and down, and the easiest way is by sharing an edited version of this conversation. The things I've removed are to tone down the anger of the first venting, and the irrelevant stuff about knitting towards the end. Scroll to the bottom and you'll see the resignation, nostalgia, and anger I feel simultaneously.
me: you there?
i just got home
C: I am
me: i'm done with this shit
we had two seconds alone and i asked how he was and he said it was hard leaving L at home, but she wouldn't have come anyway, and that's my fault bc i always make things awkward.
and then he stormed away.
several times.
1:35 AM ended up getting a drink and leaving it and leaving our friend whose bday it was, and i made the friend chase him or else e would be mad at me forever.
C: several? as in he came back after storming away?
me: as in i followed him bc he was going outside, then back inside.
the bday friend's girlfriend stayed with me, and i deleted him from my phone, and deleted the text log.
i had brought a plant that he left at my house, but he stormed off so i didn't get to give it to him.
1:36 AM so i left it on the front porch. of course, he wasn't home. i didn't care.
i had asked if he still needed space, and he said yes, and that's when he said the L thing.
me: i'm mailing his car key back to him. and a check that should cover the leftover bills that we had that he's been stalling on.
1:37 AM jocelyn kept telling me that i was so much healthier bc i wasn't running away from my feelings.
and she's right.
i'm not angry right now, but a little manic.
C: manic?
1:38 AM me: a little.
i don't really get manic, so it's more like i'm energetic
but not happy.
not crying, not in a rage.
just in a FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
sort of way
C: rage?
furious?
me: like i was just ripped off by a stranger.
C: ;nods
me: and now i just have things to attend to.
1:39 AM i don't know who that person was. i have no fucking clue. i knew a person who was smart and funny and easy and a little awkward.
this person was cold, closed off, and rude. he was mean.
C: I'm so sorry, hon.
me: fuck him
i don't care.
1:40 AM i was trying to feel myself out, to see if i wanted him to disappear or wanted him to be happy or wanted him in my life.
and i don't care. he's a fucking stranger.
i'm trying to write a note to go with the check, but my handwriting looks rageful.
1:41 AM C: Sleep on the note?
me: no, it'll be just business.
1:42 AM
me: the note says:
1:51 AM Please leave any of my things tha tyou still have on my porch or in my mailbox. I especially need my vacuum, my bike, and my spare car keys. You can keep the octagon until I move out of town, or until you no longer need it.
[the octagon is a big sturdy end table. he still has it.]
C: ah
seems short n curt. perfect.
1:52 AM me: good.
thanks.
1:53 AM i also have a pair of his glasses that i'm including.
C: I can't believe he threw a hissy fit at you.
me: yea
for real.
and it hink he was really pissed that i made him do it in front of friends.
one who now thinks he had a nutty.
even though i was the one crying in a bar. again.
2:00 AM you know what?
i have a date on wednesday with a guy who i think will be a good sexual match.
C: EPIC.
me: and another date later in the week, with a guy i think will just be a sweet friend and maybe cuddlebuddy.
2:01 AM i'm tired of first dates overall, but these two seem good and i'm excited.
i was thinking i'd take any first date and just give it a try. i don't think i'm there anymore.
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