Sunday, September 30, 2012

Femme, femininity, and validation

Every time I go to work, I dread the moment L sees that I'm there. Without fail, she calls out "Jak-uh-liiiiiin" and then proceeds to tell me that I'm looking so nice, in a way that means, "You're looking nice these days, compared to back when you were looking crappy." If there's anyone else around, she turns to them and says, "Isn't she looking nice with her hair all grown out and pretty?" I know L, and I know that she means this in a sweet way, not in a back-handed "ew gross don't do the butch thing" way. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm being complimented not on finding a hairstyle that looks good on me, or walking around with confidence, or looking happy, but on my femininity.

A few things in the last week have made me think more about this. When talking to a sweet friend about the queer community in his city, he said I'd love the femme group. This particular friend has no reason to know about my complicated feelings about femininity and queer femme communities, but he also has no reason to think that I identify as femme except that I'm a queer cissexual woman who usually dates boys. My friend apologized for making that assumption, and I know that he genuinely felt like a doofus for doing so. He knows what it's like to be misrecognized.

On my driver's license, my hair is short, in a lazy fauxhawk and I'm wearing no makeup. Now, my hair is past my shoulders and layered, and I wear makeup a few times a week. I genuinely think I'm looking really good lately. Because I am looking good. Not because I look better when more feminine, or women in general look better when more feminine.

Last night I went out with three friends. One is a queer woman whose gender expression is fairly similar to mine but who doesn't identify as femme, one is her somewhat fey but mostly straight boyfriend, and one is a guy whose gender identity is somewhat in flux but who tends to get "tarted up" to go out. We met at this last guy's apartment, and I said it makes me smile that in the bathroom he shares with his female roommate, it's pretty certain that the makeup is his. In the ensuing conversation, my girl friend said that she sees me as androgynous, but not as gender neutral. Basically, the construction goes like this: androgynous : gender neutral : : ambivalence : indifference. Ambivalence means having two opinions/feelings/etc that are in "opposition" to each other, and holding them simultaneously. That's how I feel about my gender. It's not moderate, or neutral, or in between. It swings wildly from femme to butch, or feminine to masculine, and doesn't much stop in between. I was thrilled that she understood that distinction, and even more thrilled that she correctly applied it to me. It felt validating to have all the parts of me recognized.

For a long time, I felt disdain towards the idea of a femme identity. The only femmes I knew were lesbians in relationships with butch women or, more often, trans guys, who felt the need to invest in their gender in a way that matched the intensity of their partners'. There was a lot of talk of invisibility, in a way that meant "it's so hard to get laid because no one thinks I'm gay." These folks, too, always assumed I was femme -- mostly because my partner at the time is a trans guy. Once I was away from that group of people, I realized that that's not always (or usually) what femme identities are about. I heard someone explain it as intentionally and personally choosing femininity and femme expression, in a world that expects us to be up to someone else's standards of femininity. The power of claiming something as your own is a power that I've grasped in other places in my life. For example, I can be a queer woman in relationships with straight guys because I get to choose how and with whom my relationships develop.

My identity is not femme, but it isn't butch either. It's not somewhere in between. It's kickass, and strong, and empathetic, and a good friend, and a rabblerouser. It's refinishing a cabinet to house my craft supplies, sewing myself a toolbelt, and taking apart my sewing machine to fix the broken lever. It's not complicated, but it doesn't fit easily into any box. And damnit, it's hot.



Friday, September 28, 2012

Boys suck.

No, seriously. Boys suck.

The whole Boy 2 thing is basically over, except we can communicate as needed. Boy 1 had sent me this vague "I'll be busy for a while" thing a few days ago. So I asked if we should make plans for some future time or if I should just back off. He responded two days later with this:

"I got busy again at work and with some other stuff, so probably no more hanging out for a while. You should still send me blogs though!"

Wtf? A is suggesting that he's just not into me, and that's ok, bc it's not a reflection on me. Which is fine, but WTF. I know he doesn't like things getting personal. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a three-date limit on any interaction. I know he has a surprisingly low sex drive, so maybe once is enough for these three months? What the fuck? I liked this guy. Why is it the guys I like who lose interest? I've got plenty of guys I'm not interested in that I could call.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

You know what?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything that hurts is a fear for the future. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to lose E forever. I don't want to miss him/the relationship forever. Yeah. Duh. But right now, at this minute, I'm fine. I might not be fine in the future, and I know I wasn't always fine in the past. But I can't know that, and I can't do anything about that. I can keep moving. I am fine. No really, I am.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Fear, and an update on meds

I have said for years that I don't want to make my life decisions based on fear. But these days, a lot of what I do is out of fear. Mostly it's fear of feeling pain. I hate pain. I keep looking back at the last four years and wondering if it was really as rosy as it looks to me now. I'm sure it wasn't, but I also know that there were many many times that I looked at E and just said "This is amazing; I'm so happy I found you." I think that's part of how he knew we didn't feel the same about each other.

I miss him so much. I say that knowing that he has access to these blog posts and has said that he'll be avoiding the ones that are emotional. The ones that aren't are few and far between right now, but I have no way of knowing if he's reading or not. I miss my friend. I miss having someone who just felt right. Replacing him in my life will always be imperfect, but even setting aside the committed partner stuff, it means replacing a friend, a lover, the funniest person I know, the smartest person I know, the most progressive and feminist person I know, someone who loved and adored the hell out of me, someone who made me think about things, a person who shared my cynical interest in politics and a lazy Saturday of flea market and bagels and thrift stores. Most of those things are things he can still be without reverting back to our old relationship, but losing so many people in just this one person makes it really hard. We might not actually be capable of being close without reverting. When we talked the other day, he said it's been hard for him to go from seeing me all the time to barely speaking at all. I suspect he's feeling a little bit of the same thing I am. It's a double-edged sword. We miss each other, but being too close means we miss much more. Maybe we became too many things to each other and we should have been spreading the love and support around more. But in any case, we were a lot to each other. My aggregate boyfriend idea hasn't panned out very well, but that in itself was a paltry Plan B.

I feel like I'm treading water. I had a year like this before in my life. When everything fell apart and I barely made it through and then moved away after a year. It was my senior year of high school. It feels so similar that I have to keep reminding myself that I am an adult with a lot more in my life than I had then, and I'm strong and when I move on it'll be doing something for me, not running away. But even grad school is scary. I thought we'd be moving on together. We both thought that would be really stressful, but it felt a lot more stable.

I said several weeks ago that my litmus test for being friends with E would have to be when having him in my life no longer felt like the only thing I wanted. I think I got there, but that's in large part because there is very little desperation left. These last three days have mostly been just sadness. The Abilify gave me a headache and insomnia and maybe anxiety the first day, but I took it again. I can't tell how I feel. I'm still sad, but not sobbing. This stretch is the worst I've had in about two weeks. I'll be happy when it fades, but I have no idea what the best idea is for getting through until then. I know the zoloft dosage increase will be a good thing, but it'll take a while to have much of an effect. If I keep taking the Abilify, I think it'll mostly dull everything. I don't like feeling dulled. Dull feels boring and boring feels lonely and lonely feels sad. I'll try this for a week. After a week, if I'm not feeling calmer and less depressed, I'm done. My mom and our doctor friends are flipping out, and I'm really tired of her saying the same damn thing every day. I know it's a concern. I know it's probably overkill. I'm taking it for a week to see how it is. Right now, it gets an F two days in a row. If this shit doesn't make me less depressed, there's no reason for it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

New meds and loss

I thought a lot about whether to start the new meds my new psychiatrist gave me yesterday. He upped the dosage of my SSRI, which I took promptly, and added Abilify. My mom kind of freaked out at the idea of taking Abilify, because it's usually used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar, and the psych didn't say anything about a new diagnosis. The only thing he did say was that he hoped this would "help make things easier." Abilify has been used more recently with SSRIs to alleviate major depression, and that seems to be the purpose of my prescription.

Here's the problem. Not only are there a lot more side effects than I'm really willing to deal with (common ones include headache, nervousness/anxiety, insomnia, and stomach/GI issues), but anxiety and insomnia are the two things I needed help reducing. After talking to a friend who's taken Abilify for its original purposes, I decided I'd take it for a week and see how it went.

My usual sleep pattern is going to bed around 11, waking up momentarily at 3 and 6, and getting up with my alarm at 8. Usually I can fall back asleep easily, but not always. Last night I tossed and turned from around 2 to 6, and got up to take ibuprofen sometime in there for a headache. I feel anxious this morning.

It doesn't help that Boy 2 needs space to deal with this whole sex addiction thing. That feels like a loss that I wasn't prepared to deal with. A loss of a new person I liked, and of a connection that I didn't expect, and of the solution to feeling bored and unsexy. Am I glad I had great sex, or would I have rather not known what was possible? I guess it doesn't matter, because I don't get to choose now. It's 9 a.m. and I feel hopeless and sad. There's still a friend sleeping in my room, but I feel totally alone.  As usual, I can't think of anyone or anything that would help this feel better. I'm so tired of meeting new people. I just want the people I have.

Monday, September 24, 2012

It's not backsliding, it's traversing the same terrain

Today sucked. There's really no other way to put it. My roommate was exhausted after a 15-minute summary of the day. Pretty much every possible button I have was flipped in some way.

First, I had a good dinner with E last night. It felt comfortable and friendly, if not exactly "back to normal," which is good, because we have to find a new normal. More importantly, I didn't feel anything very strongly at all. I felt balanced. He avoided talking about L, the mutual friend he's dating, and I appreciated that. He did talk about other things going on, and I found myself wanting him to lean on me. He rarely did that when we were together, though, so I doubt he'll take me up on it much now. We both have the task of figuring out how much space is enough. I think, for now, hanging out in finite ways, and alone, is good. Social situations will be difficult.

Second, my best friend has a concussion due to police brutality, and it freaked me out even more after I saw video of it. I need to check with him before I write too much more about it, but I AM HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

Third, I had coffee with my friend J, who I hadn't heard from in two weeks and hadn't seen in a month. I missed him like crazy and even though I knew the silence was due to personal struggles and not about me, I was pretty frustrated. He texted me last night and we hung out today, which was great! Except it led to me talking about E, how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. The holidays will be especially hard, and L is still a very hard issue for me to deal with. (Let's be fair -- if I disliked her, it would be easier. The fact that I like her rather a lot makes this much harder.) I hate that it's hard, but it's just where I am right now. So I felt a little anxious after talking about my weaknesses, but I was ok.

Then I met with a classmate and got some good work done, and went to read on the quad for a while. I was scared to run into L because that's a part of campus she's likely to be on, but I decided to stop worrying about it.

Fourth, I get an email from Boy 1, who I hadn't talked to much over the week. I had emailed him to see if he still wanted to go see this movie we'd talked about, which is only open this weekend. He said he'd be pretty busy the next few weeks. I didn't know what to say back, so I haven't responded. Then ten minutes later he sent me his "interesting blog roundup" that he puts together for me every so often. Which made me think maybe he wasn't blowing me off?

Fifth, I get a text from Boy 2. He's the one with whom I had an incredible and intense sexual connection. After he left my house yesterday, he texted me and half-joked that he thinks he's a sex addict. There have been half a dozen times that he could have come over and had sex with me, and he didn't take me up on it, and I generally think that level of self control is an indication of lack of addiction. His therapist gave him some manner of checklist test thing today, where a score of 6/20 was an indication of sex addiction. He scored 15/20. He's going to work on dealing with that, but it definitely means we're not fucking for a good long while, if ever again. I found that I instantly had emotional feelings for him, and I cared more about his wellbeing than I expected I would. And losing that intense connection suddenly felt like an incredible loss. We talked about it a little bit as I drove to my psychiatrist appointment.

Sixth, on the way to the appointment, I pulled up at a red light right next to L. Based on how she and I have left things, I honked and waved. She looked at me like I was insane, barely waved, and looked away for the duration of the light. I don't think that reaction was entirely about me, but jesus it hurt.

Seventh, I get to the psychiatrist's office for the first appointment I've had in seven years, and I'm just crying. I'm weeping like a mourner, and I can't pin it to any single thing, just to a day of feeling intense loss. Psychiatrist is entirely uninterested, and I don't think we make eye contact at all. He knows the recent stuff is related to a breakup, but I think he assumed it was some silly little thing, not the loss of someone I considered family and a pillar of my future. He seemed to fall asleep while writing things several times. But he changed some dosages and I'm hoping it'll help. I've still got my therapist regularly, so I've got a plan.

Eventually I get home and I'm crying, sobbing, screaming, so frustrated at loss and depression and anxiety and fear and stress and lack of control. Most of my normal folks to talk to aren't around, but eventually I find one friend, with whom I've been less close during this breakdown, who's around. He helped immensely, as did the Ativan I finally made myself take. And he convinced me to see this more as a bumblebee's trail, not as backsliding. I have to traverse the same shitty terrain every now and then, but this time I have a map. Next time I'll have GPS. But there will be a next time. The important thing is where I get to after this. These are triggers, and the sound of the shot will fade.

I went to class, which was fine, and I wasn't even mad at myself for being underprepared. Now my sweet snuggley friend T is coming over and I'm happy to have someone to be boring with at my house. Now if only my eyes would stop burning.

Friday, September 21, 2012

State of the Jaclyn

I just looked it up in my calendar. Aug 16 is when this breakdown started. It has changed character almost weekly. Reflecting in hopes of recognizing that I've come a long way.

Aug 16-22-- Panic attacks several times a day, suicidal and self-harm ideation; reached out and found, to my surprise, that a hell of a lot of people were willing to spend time with me; had a hard do-not-talk restriction w/E, saw him once, decided we still needed a lot of space, but thought we'd ease into something

Aug 23-29-- Sobbing fits pretty much every day, and a lot of fear; went on several dates and one snuggle date; called E once when I was in crisis, pissed him off really bad later that week, started another do-not-talk phase; got a damn cute haircut that did wonders for my self-esteem

Aug 30-Sept 5-- Heavy sadness, but managed ok; went to Charlotte, spent good time with people I care about; found a way to push myself to break down, knowing that after crying I'd find a calm; started talking to people with similar mental health stuff, even though I wasn't previously close to them

Sept 6-12-- Ran into E twice, which really threw me off; had a few days of not crying, but knew that that wouldn't last; had a good lunch with E and felt like we weren't going to ease into anything but we didn't have a hard no-talking line anymore; started missing E a lot as a person, not just as a pillar of my life/future; had kind of a lot of sex with kind of a lot of people, and found that that led to a calm; missed M a lot; found my anger for about an hour, then hit a depression/melancholy phase; had therapy and learned that I can soothe myself -- holding something (even a hoodie) helps tremendously

Sept 13-19-- Glorious time with friends and family; missed E but was so busy and surrounded that I was able to talk about him easily, even in the past tense; had a sense of a future for myself; decided that no, I'm not at all looking for a relationship right now -- I'll save that for when I'm actually healed and more settled

Last few days-- Missing my friend E; wondering how I managed to find so many foul-weather friends, but not so many neutral or fair-weather friends; I'm finding things that make me happy, but the moment I'm not actively happy, I start weeping; mom's sixth sense keeps kicking in, and she calls without prompting almost every time I have a really hard time (or she calls often and I'm having a hard time often, but whatever, I prefer mom-sense); have a psych appointment on Monday and a dentist appointment on Tuesday

Ok. I am definitely doing better. Every phase felt like it wouldn't fade, and then it did. But this one is based on E being a great person that I want in my life. I think he needs more space from me than I want from him, but I don't think my need and my want are in line. I still have thoughts every now and then that remind me that I'm not ready to have good boundaries, e.g. wanting to take care of him bc I know some things are crazy right now. I'm still afraid to run into him, which has been so since week four's incidents. I feel myself moving into a familiar trauma phase, where I fixate on something that makes me sad, and then I just bring up that single thing all the time. I've promised myself that when I do that, I'll immediately think of a slice of American cheese. I don't know why, it's just a random innocuous thing that I thought of out of nowhere. Like so:

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Week Four and some stuff about sex

This was week four since the initial breakdown began. I've sort of lost track, but I think tomorrow will actually be week five. For most of the week, I felt kinda weepy. My crying was mostly confined to once in the morning or in the afternoon, and I felt good other than that. E had to contact me about some things with bills, and that was still a little hard, but not as much. Yesterday he mentioned via text some craziness that's going on with him, and I wished I could be there for him. I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with him again, but I still can't handle thinking about him with anyone else. So maybe that means I need more time totally apart, or maybe it means that any time we spend together has to be kind of limited. I'm going out of town tonight to Boston and NJ to spend time with friends and family, and the trip is kind of stressing me out. I've been ok without having people around all the time. Actually I've spent much of the week trying to avoid running into E, so even when my plans changed for a night, I opted to chill at home instead of going out and risking running into him. I don't like the fear that has been encouraging that behavior, but it feels far far smaller than the anxiety that was engulfing me.

I've decided to go out of town on the weekend that he was planning his birthday road trip. He doesn't seem sure that it's going to happen, but it's 99% sure that I shouldn't go, so I'll do something else. I was thinking about making the long-awaited trip to meet little Z in Indianapolis, but her mama said that weekend would be a little too crazy. So I'm thinking maybe DC. I haven't been to visit R, and he's lived there over a year now. I could visit S in Charlottesville, too, and that would be really nice. It'd be a solo road trip, but I did ok with the trip to Charlotte a week or two ago, so I think I could be ok with this trip. Charlottesville is about eight hours, and I think DC is 12. We'll see. Deciding that I would spend that weekend somewhere else feels liberating. I could visit mom in Florida, but that always feels a bit more lonely.

I've been dating like my life depends on it. A few weeks ago, I had two dates: C and M. C was fine but proved himself to be kind of an ass a week or two later. I like M but wasn't sure if he was a game-playing douchebag or just kind of clueless. So this Friday, I made plans to hang out with my cuddlebuddy, which turned sexual. That was fine with me, but he had previously said he didn't want it to be, so I was a little concerned. We talked briefly a few times over the weekend, and I think he's just down for a non-processing, mutually enjoyed activity kind of relationship. And so am I. I was supposed to go out with M on Saturday but he cancelled at the last minute and I wasn't sure if he would reschedule. Then I had a first date with D on Sunday. That date was...weird. We had talked a bunch, but we're political opposites and equally committed to those positions, so we figured there'd be a lot of arguing. I got there and just wasn't in the mood to spar. He's really hot, though, and every now and then I could see a peek of the squishy innards that assholes usually have hidden away. A few times, I realized that the thing I wanted to say was either E's story or something I learned from E, and I had to stop and collect myself. D reacted weirdly to that, but I knew he actually understood.

After some schedule flip-flopping, I saw M on Monday and D on Tuesday. The date with M was pretty amazing. It got sexual eventually, but even if it hadn't, it would've been great. I feel like I know him a hell of a lot better now than I did before, and his thin jerky veneer turned out to be some shyness and a reaction to the awkward situation of the first date. So, definitely have a real crush on him now. He said something about how he usually separates sexual and emotional relationships, but he has feelings in both arenas for me. I do wish we had talked more about it. He left really late and didn't seem to want to talk about it. We emailed a little bit yesterday.

Saw D on Tuesday, and that was intense. He, too, had said he didn't want it to get sexual, and I was committed to that. Then he changed his mind. I tried to talk to him about how if we needed to just cool off and switch rooms or something, that was ok. We didn't have to give in to temptation just because it was fun. He basically said that he's a grownup and can make his own decisions and change his mind if he wants to. So we continued on with the rather intense and amazing night, and then suddenly he stopped. Something didn't feel right, and he didn't know if being sexual was a good idea. We talked briefly this morning, and he basically said that his other fuckbuddy (an ex who he's in love with, but with whom he's taking a break) has been talking about being monogamous. I'm of the mind that until they are, I want more of him, and when something changes, I won't protest. He's still trying to decide. That feels weird. And he's being WAY more quiet than usual, which sucks. I don't have any emotional attachment to him, and I don't see one developing. Lately I've been finding straight boys who 1) assume that that isn't possible for women, and 2) swear that it's possible for them but it turns out not to be so much. At least that night was an amazing boost in self-esteem -- or maybe just a confirmation.

With both M and D, I'm fighting my urge to process with them. It's hard, because the people I usually process this stuff with are unavailable and there isn't actually much for me to go over. It's the same old worry for me -- if they make their own decisions without talking to me, surely they'll forget how wonderful I am. I'm waiting for D to make a decision, which is the specific process he's working on now. With M, I'm just not sure. I suggested we hang out after I get back early next week. His work schedule is always iffy, but I always want to plan things in advance.

I'm not well prepared for class today, and things I'm doing for work aren't working that well. I leave for the airport shortly after I leave for class. I think there's a huge part of me that's just stressed about everything going on, but I'm also lacking the fun distraction of cute boys right now.

Sometime I want to write about the thoughts I've been having lately, about number of sex partners and how I'm feeling kinda weird about it lately, even as I'm embracing it.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Things I need to remember

I've been tweeting affirmation and pain constantly for the last two or three weeks. But every time I feel down and go to look at the feed, the only things I see are the sadness rather than the affirmations. So here's a sticky post that needs to collect the validation.

So, here goes:

-E loves me and misses me. This only matters because it's something he's holding onto so that we can be friends again.
-He isn't replacing me. He never could, and he wouldn't want to.
-I am a fantastic person, and he knows it.
-Even the hardest of breakdowns ends.

Week Three


Today kind of sucked. I woke up feeling good, went swimming, and felt great. Came to a coffeeshop and checked facebook and deciphered from a friend’s wall that E was probably with the girl he’s dating last night. That put me on edge. An hour later, E walked in here with her. That pushed me off the edge, and I said hi, then went to the bathroom to cry. I came out and they were still here, so I went outside to cry until I knew their classes had started, and I went back in. The spell didn’t stop for about two hours. I had plans with E for lunch at 1, and I decided to go home before that because I needed to punch something. I screamed into a pillow, used a hammer to bang in some loose nails on my backyard fence, and generally let myself freak out. When I thought I needed to intervene, I called my mom, put on makeup, and left to meet him for tacos.

Turns out, our run-in this morning set him simmering on a migraine. It also turns out that they hadn’t actually spent the night together – he went home after dinner and then her car wouldn’t start this morning. I need to not think about the potential seriousness of that relationship, and me and E both still need more space. I like not having a brick wall up between us, but we aren’t talking again until next week. It feels less required, but I need to keep up the discipline that I’ve had, no matter how much it hurts, because in the end it’s helping.

My sadness is about being replaced. His is about being afraid to be a trigger for my self-harm. He did want to know where I am emotionally, which I wasn’t sure if he’d want to know. After I had called him last Sunday and he talked me down, he went to dinner with two of our friends. I assumed he was going to dinner with someone else. When I texted a friend to see if I could stay with him in the event that things got rough, unbeknownst to me, that was one of the friends E was with. At first he was mad that I had texted the very person he was hanging out with, but then he realized that I had no idea who he was with, and having that distance helped him remember that I’m not actually out to get him.

When we first met for lunch, we were both pretty shaky. He stayed that way for most of the conversation. He’s buried under a lot of stress and I there are a lot of things weighing on him. We talked about how to deal with our changing relationship. The place we want to be is where we can care about each other, but without everything that is currently attached to that. I appreciate that he has cared enough about me to worry; I don’t want to lose the caring, but I would like to decrease the amount of things to worry about for both of us. Distance will help that.

He has been planning a big road-trip for his 30th birthday, and I told him I was worrying about it. I wanted to leave my option to go open until we were right up on it and could decide if that was actually a good idea. He said he would prefer that the default be no. It feels good to have that out of my hair, even if it isn’t going to turn out the way I’d wanted. I told him that if forcing us to be friends enough for me to go on that trip would mean that we wouldn’t be friends in the future time, I would much rather miss the trip and be friends with him later.

I still have no idea at all about how to deal with him dating someone. I think maybe I’ll just need to have a backup plan for seeing them together. I still can’t think about it. And that’s ok. I don’t have to. I have to take care of myself, and 99% of that doesn’t involve him.