Baggage

Every day I see the baggage I have from my relationship with E. On top of the fact that I'm still dealing with it while I'm moving on, it doesn't take much for me to fear that I've fallen out of favor in new relationships. That was always my big concern with E -- because we didn't see love and commitment the same way, I feared he'd just turn around one day and decide I'm not worth it. I spent years trying to believe that E's way of loving was just as strong as mine, even if he expressed it differently. And then I was proven wrong. So any indication of disinterest is a red flag to me. I have no idea anymore how to gauge someone else's interest, even friends. It doesn't help that everyone but me seems to think it's polite to be indirect, to which I infallibly respond with being pushy and doubting their intentions.

I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.