Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.

I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 

Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?

I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 

Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.