On Friday, I texted Cuteboy and just say "hey, you." He hasn't responded. There are several possible reasons for this.
1- He had a trip to NC happening soon, and it may be this weekend.
2- His phone died or he's having some other manner of technological mishap.
3- He finds it off-putting that I texted first.
4- He doesn't want to be interrupted this weekend because he's spending quality time with his lady or someone else, and texting me back would be a boundary issue for them.
5- He changed his mind about me/his lady vetoed me.
6- He never really intended to see me again but didn't want to be straightforward.
1, 2, and 4 are pretty likely. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do 3 or 5 without saying something about it, and I really doubt that 6 is happening after the kind of time we had. But, because I'm me, I've worked myself into a bit of a lather. I have a huge project due tomorrow at 4:30, and I'm having the worst time working on it. I decided yesterday that I'd give him until Monday to respond, and then I'd assume it's over. After all, he said, "Let's hang out after the weekend, and talk sooner." On Friday I realized that it's not that I'm crushing on Cuteboy all that much. It's that I had fun, and I'm relieved to finally find something that seems like it'll work for me. Finally! I mean, it's only been six months and I've only really been looking for two, but still. It's been frustrating. It's the confusion over whether to be hopeful or disappointed. I'm probably putting myself through disappointment preemptively, but hope will just build me up higher and the fall will be steeper. Though with the kind of hurt and disappointment I've been through in the last six months -- from E to M to Morgan to Curtis to David to Matt and back to E -- what am I worried about? I guess I'm so sure that this town is tapped out. I think I see Cuteboy's existence as another scratched off lottery ticket instead of evidence that there are more people to like.
I had a date on Saturday with another guy that I'm also pretty into, but I think it's a different kind of thing and we didn't get sweet. I think it's heading that way, but he's a lot younger than me and it kind of freaks me out. I was able to put Cuteboy down easily while I was with the other boy, but Benjie doesn't stress me out. The thing is, I want to date the two of them. I think Benjie might want something more than I'm willing or able to give, and I don't want to be exclusive on accident. Cuteboy is in other relationships, so I'd worry less about accidental exclusivity there. Also I've slept with Cuteboy and I haven't slept with Benjie, so there's an unknown in the accidental comparison. And Cuteboy is unavailable, which increases the risk and excitement.
I know that as soon as I hear from Cuteboy, this whole feeling will dissolve. I am so dependent on anyone's validation right now, and he's the big winner this weekend. I really don't want to be there. This is probably the most codependent I've felt at a time when I could recognize it. It's not just that hearing from him will be evidence that I've got a new buddy. It's that without that evidence, I feel like I have no assurance that I'm worthy of a new buddy. Right now the only way I'm able to deal with this is through the symptoms. I can distract myself, and I set an alarm for tomorrow at noon. I put chicken on to cook, and I'm going to make some more food for now and for the week. If I don't hear from him by noon tomorrow, I text again and ask if he wants to come over Tuesday. If he doesn't respond, I write him off. If he responds inconclusively, I ask about boundaries etc. I don't know how to move forward with Benjie, either, but the lower stress of that situation makes me feel like I can reach out and it won't be a thing.
Now if only I could focus on my homework.
No comments:
Post a Comment