I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.
I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.
It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."
I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.
I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.
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