Today sucked. There's really no other way to put it. My roommate was exhausted after a 15-minute summary of the day. Pretty much every possible button I have was flipped in some way.
First, I had a good dinner with E last night. It felt comfortable and friendly, if not exactly "back to normal," which is good, because we have to find a new normal. More importantly, I didn't feel anything very strongly at all. I felt balanced. He avoided talking about L, the mutual friend he's dating, and I appreciated that. He did talk about other things going on, and I found myself wanting him to lean on me. He rarely did that when we were together, though, so I doubt he'll take me up on it much now. We both have the task of figuring out how much space is enough. I think, for now, hanging out in finite ways, and alone, is good. Social situations will be difficult.
Second, my best friend has a concussion due to police brutality, and it freaked me out even more after I saw video of it. I need to check with him before I write too much more about it, but I AM HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.
Third, I had coffee with my friend J, who I hadn't heard from in two weeks and hadn't seen in a month. I missed him like crazy and even though I knew the silence was due to personal struggles and not about me, I was pretty frustrated. He texted me last night and we hung out today, which was great! Except it led to me talking about E, how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. The holidays will be especially hard, and L is still a very hard issue for me to deal with. (Let's be fair -- if I disliked her, it would be easier. The fact that I like her rather a lot makes this much harder.) I hate that it's hard, but it's just where I am right now. So I felt a little anxious after talking about my weaknesses, but I was ok.
Then I met with a classmate and got some good work done, and went to read on the quad for a while. I was scared to run into L because that's a part of campus she's likely to be on, but I decided to stop worrying about it.
Fourth, I get an email from Boy 1, who I hadn't talked to much over the week. I had emailed him to see if he still wanted to go see this movie we'd talked about, which is only open this weekend. He said he'd be pretty busy the next few weeks. I didn't know what to say back, so I haven't responded. Then ten minutes later he sent me his "interesting blog roundup" that he puts together for me every so often. Which made me think maybe he wasn't blowing me off?
Fifth, I get a text from Boy 2. He's the one with whom I had an incredible and intense sexual connection. After he left my house yesterday, he texted me and half-joked that he thinks he's a sex addict. There have been half a dozen times that he could have come over and had sex with me, and he didn't take me up on it, and I generally think that level of self control is an indication of lack of addiction. His therapist gave him some manner of checklist test thing today, where a score of 6/20 was an indication of sex addiction. He scored 15/20. He's going to work on dealing with that, but it definitely means we're not fucking for a good long while, if ever again. I found that I instantly had emotional feelings for him, and I cared more about his wellbeing than I expected I would. And losing that intense connection suddenly felt like an incredible loss. We talked about it a little bit as I drove to my psychiatrist appointment.
Sixth, on the way to the appointment, I pulled up at a red light right next to L. Based on how she and I have left things, I honked and waved. She looked at me like I was insane, barely waved, and looked away for the duration of the light. I don't think that reaction was entirely about me, but jesus it hurt.
Seventh, I get to the psychiatrist's office for the first appointment I've had in seven years, and I'm just crying. I'm weeping like a mourner, and I can't pin it to any single thing, just to a day of feeling intense loss. Psychiatrist is entirely uninterested, and I don't think we make eye contact at all. He knows the recent stuff is related to a breakup, but I think he assumed it was some silly little thing, not the loss of someone I considered family and a pillar of my future. He seemed to fall asleep while writing things several times. But he changed some dosages and I'm hoping it'll help. I've still got my therapist regularly, so I've got a plan.
Eventually I get home and I'm crying, sobbing, screaming, so frustrated at loss and depression and anxiety and fear and stress and lack of control. Most of my normal folks to talk to aren't around, but eventually I find one friend, with whom I've been less close during this breakdown, who's around. He helped immensely, as did the Ativan I finally made myself take. And he convinced me to see this more as a bumblebee's trail, not as backsliding. I have to traverse the same shitty terrain every now and then, but this time I have a map. Next time I'll have GPS. But there will be a next time. The important thing is where I get to after this. These are triggers, and the sound of the shot will fade.
I went to class, which was fine, and I wasn't even mad at myself for being underprepared. Now my sweet snuggley friend T is coming over and I'm happy to have someone to be boring with at my house. Now if only my eyes would stop burning.
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