Aug 16-22-- Panic attacks several times a day, suicidal and self-harm ideation; reached out and found, to my surprise, that a hell of a lot of people were willing to spend time with me; had a hard do-not-talk restriction w/E, saw him once, decided we still needed a lot of space, but thought we'd ease into something
Aug 23-29-- Sobbing fits pretty much every day, and a lot of fear; went on several dates and one snuggle date; called E once when I was in crisis, pissed him off really bad later that week, started another do-not-talk phase; got a damn cute haircut that did wonders for my self-esteem
Aug 30-Sept 5-- Heavy sadness, but managed ok; went to Charlotte, spent good time with people I care about; found a way to push myself to break down, knowing that after crying I'd find a calm; started talking to people with similar mental health stuff, even though I wasn't previously close to them
Sept 6-12-- Ran into E twice, which really threw me off; had a few days of not crying, but knew that that wouldn't last; had a good lunch with E and felt like we weren't going to ease into anything but we didn't have a hard no-talking line anymore; started missing E a lot as a person, not just as a pillar of my life/future; had kind of a lot of sex with kind of a lot of people, and found that that led to a calm; missed M a lot; found my anger for about an hour, then hit a depression/melancholy phase; had therapy and learned that I can soothe myself -- holding something (even a hoodie) helps tremendously
Sept 13-19-- Glorious time with friends and family; missed E but was so busy and surrounded that I was able to talk about him easily, even in the past tense; had a sense of a future for myself; decided that no, I'm not at all looking for a relationship right now -- I'll save that for when I'm actually healed and more settled
Last few days-- Missing my friend E; wondering how I managed to find so many foul-weather friends, but not so many neutral or fair-weather friends; I'm finding things that make me happy, but the moment I'm not actively happy, I start weeping; mom's sixth sense keeps kicking in, and she calls without prompting almost every time I have a really hard time (or she calls often and I'm having a hard time often, but whatever, I prefer mom-sense); have a psych appointment on Monday and a dentist appointment on Tuesday
Ok. I am definitely doing better. Every phase felt like it wouldn't fade, and then it did. But this one is based on E being a great person that I want in my life. I think he needs more space from me than I want from him, but I don't think my need and my want are in line. I still have thoughts every now and then that remind me that I'm not ready to have good boundaries, e.g. wanting to take care of him bc I know some things are crazy right now. I'm still afraid to run into him, which has been so since week four's incidents. I feel myself moving into a familiar trauma phase, where I fixate on something that makes me sad, and then I just bring up that single thing all the time. I've promised myself that when I do that, I'll immediately think of a slice of American cheese. I don't know why, it's just a random innocuous thing that I thought of out of nowhere. Like so:
No comments:
Post a Comment