Back to codependence

I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.

It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.

M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.

Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.