Disappointment and attraction

After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.

I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.

The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.

With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.

At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.