This week was hard. Monday was E's birthday, and that set off a week of feeling a little on edge, and crying for a bit pretty much every day. At some point CS reminded me that it's ok to feel like shit, and it's ok to sit with that. I keep wishing that it would just go away, and I beat myself up for feeling bad ever. So I cried. I cried like the world was ending. And then it stopped. The world was still here, and I'm ok.
I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.
Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.
There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.
A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.
Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.
The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.
Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.
I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.
That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.
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