Saturday, December 29, 2012

Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?

Friday, December 14, 2012

This is what mild anxiety looks like

I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.

I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.

It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."

I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.

I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.



I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 
Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?
I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 
Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.