Monday felt like a turning point, and the date I had on Wednesday confirmed it. I had drinks with a sweet boy, P, who speaks a remarkably similar emotional and sexual language to me. Normalizing kinks, focusing on enthusiasm and engagement rather than consent or taboo, encouraging me to keep an open dialogue about feelings, etc. He's smart and funny and sweet, and he smiles during sex, which is new to me. He seems to experience it on several levels, both enjoying the experience and simultaneously seeing it as if he's on the outside thinking, "Wow, what those people are doing is really hot." His existence also reminded me that there are guys I don't already know who I could be compatible with.
He's in a primary relationship that doesn't seem to be extremely serious, and is mostly unlabelled. But she gets veto power over other relationships. I'm already just a little jealous of her. Mostly because his having a primary means that my options with him are limited. Not that he couldn't feel however he wants to feel about me, but knowing that they're limited obviously makes me want what I can't have. Even though when I think about it, I don't think I'm in a place to be in a committed relationship, poly or not. I've convinced myself through experience that I'm capable of loving people in different ways and in different kinds of relationships, but I can never conceive of others being able to do the same. Sometimes, like with E and M, there are ways to reassure me. But in general, I can't understand it.
The thing I need to figure out is how to stop processing with him. I like to fill empty space with processing. I swallowed that urge once or twice Thursday morning, but I processed more than I avoided it. I asked when I'd see him again, and he suggested after the weekend. I said that sounded good. When I went to kiss him goodbye, he said, "See you after the weekend, and talk to you sooner than that." I'm eager to talk to him, but I do think he'll text me sometime over the weekend. But I want to know how this will be. I want to know if it's just sex between people who are fond of each other. He's referred to himself as someone who has sex within friendships that are slightly romantic. I don't know if that means we get sweet and sexy, or if that means we can go on dates. I want to go on date. I don't want a hookupbuddy, exactly. I don't want a boyfriend either. I want to have him over and cook dinner together, or go to a show that sounds like fun. That's something I do with friends, but when you add sex to the mix, it sounds a lot more like boyfriendy things. I feel like we had a connection, which probably is new relationship energy. I don't know if he felt that, or if he just felt like hey this is a good idea. I know I don't want or need him to be my person.
I've been feeling like this song:
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