New normal?

The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.

Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.

Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.

I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.