This was week four since the initial breakdown began. I've sort of lost track, but I think tomorrow will actually be week five. For most of the week, I felt kinda weepy. My crying was mostly confined to once in the morning or in the afternoon, and I felt good other than that. E had to contact me about some things with bills, and that was still a little hard, but not as much. Yesterday he mentioned via text some craziness that's going on with him, and I wished I could be there for him. I'm starting to feel like I could be friends with him again, but I still can't handle thinking about him with anyone else. So maybe that means I need more time totally apart, or maybe it means that any time we spend together has to be kind of limited. I'm going out of town tonight to Boston and NJ to spend time with friends and family, and the trip is kind of stressing me out. I've been ok without having people around all the time. Actually I've spent much of the week trying to avoid running into E, so even when my plans changed for a night, I opted to chill at home instead of going out and risking running into him. I don't like the fear that has been encouraging that behavior, but it feels far far smaller than the anxiety that was engulfing me.
I've decided to go out of town on the weekend that he was planning his birthday road trip. He doesn't seem sure that it's going to happen, but it's 99% sure that I shouldn't go, so I'll do something else. I was thinking about making the long-awaited trip to meet little Z in Indianapolis, but her mama said that weekend would be a little too crazy. So I'm thinking maybe DC. I haven't been to visit R, and he's lived there over a year now. I could visit S in Charlottesville, too, and that would be really nice. It'd be a solo road trip, but I did ok with the trip to Charlotte a week or two ago, so I think I could be ok with this trip. Charlottesville is about eight hours, and I think DC is 12. We'll see. Deciding that I would spend that weekend somewhere else feels liberating. I could visit mom in Florida, but that always feels a bit more lonely.
I've been dating like my life depends on it. A few weeks ago, I had two dates: C and M. C was fine but proved himself to be kind of an ass a week or two later. I like M but wasn't sure if he was a game-playing douchebag or just kind of clueless. So this Friday, I made plans to hang out with my cuddlebuddy, which turned sexual. That was fine with me, but he had previously said he didn't want it to be, so I was a little concerned. We talked briefly a few times over the weekend, and I think he's just down for a non-processing, mutually enjoyed activity kind of relationship. And so am I. I was supposed to go out with M on Saturday but he cancelled at the last minute and I wasn't sure if he would reschedule. Then I had a first date with D on Sunday. That date was...weird. We had talked a bunch, but we're political opposites and equally committed to those positions, so we figured there'd be a lot of arguing. I got there and just wasn't in the mood to spar. He's really hot, though, and every now and then I could see a peek of the squishy innards that assholes usually have hidden away. A few times, I realized that the thing I wanted to say was either E's story or something I learned from E, and I had to stop and collect myself. D reacted weirdly to that, but I knew he actually understood.
After some schedule flip-flopping, I saw M on Monday and D on Tuesday. The date with M was pretty amazing. It got sexual eventually, but even if it hadn't, it would've been great. I feel like I know him a hell of a lot better now than I did before, and his thin jerky veneer turned out to be some shyness and a reaction to the awkward situation of the first date. So, definitely have a real crush on him now. He said something about how he usually separates sexual and emotional relationships, but he has feelings in both arenas for me. I do wish we had talked more about it. He left really late and didn't seem to want to talk about it. We emailed a little bit yesterday.
Saw D on Tuesday, and that was intense. He, too, had said he didn't want it to get sexual, and I was committed to that. Then he changed his mind. I tried to talk to him about how if we needed to just cool off and switch rooms or something, that was ok. We didn't have to give in to temptation just because it was fun. He basically said that he's a grownup and can make his own decisions and change his mind if he wants to. So we continued on with the rather intense and amazing night, and then suddenly he stopped. Something didn't feel right, and he didn't know if being sexual was a good idea. We talked briefly this morning, and he basically said that his other fuckbuddy (an ex who he's in love with, but with whom he's taking a break) has been talking about being monogamous. I'm of the mind that until they are, I want more of him, and when something changes, I won't protest. He's still trying to decide. That feels weird. And he's being WAY more quiet than usual, which sucks. I don't have any emotional attachment to him, and I don't see one developing. Lately I've been finding straight boys who 1) assume that that isn't possible for women, and 2) swear that it's possible for them but it turns out not to be so much. At least that night was an amazing boost in self-esteem -- or maybe just a confirmation.
With both M and D, I'm fighting my urge to process with them. It's hard, because the people I usually process this stuff with are unavailable and there isn't actually much for me to go over. It's the same old worry for me -- if they make their own decisions without talking to me, surely they'll forget how wonderful I am. I'm waiting for D to make a decision, which is the specific process he's working on now. With M, I'm just not sure. I suggested we hang out after I get back early next week. His work schedule is always iffy, but I always want to plan things in advance.
I'm not well prepared for class today, and things I'm doing for work aren't working that well. I leave for the airport shortly after I leave for class. I think there's a huge part of me that's just stressed about everything going on, but I'm also lacking the fun distraction of cute boys right now.
Sometime I want to write about the thoughts I've been having lately, about number of sex partners and how I'm feeling kinda weird about it lately, even as I'm embracing it.
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