Things that hurt, and fears for the future

The first time I went to E's house, before my crush on him was in full swing, I cooked dinner for the assorted friends who were there. While everyone ate, I buzzed around, picking up plates, refilling glasses, and acting the hostess, until E came up to me, put his hands on my shoulders, and steered me to a chair. He wanted me to relax, to enjoy the time I had there, and to stop thinking I had to take care of everyone. He cared about my needs before I did, and before I cared about them.

I had a date last night, and I liked the guy a lot. He was strange in ways that were endearing, but I just kept thinking about how different he is. What if I never find someone who makes me grow the way E did? What if I never have that kind of love and care ever again? And consider how special E is, and how special he is to me, I don't think I'll ever find it. I want it. I want that love. I didn't find E when I was looking for someone to love me, but once I knew that I wanted to be with him, I didn't doubt it. I would randomly turn to him and say, "I love you. Let's keep living our lives together." I would have a huge smile on my face and be downright silly because I couldn't believe how lucky I was.

In the end, that excitement and confidence about him was one of the points of contention. He said he couldn't love me as much as I loved him. If someone that wonderful, and that perfect couldn't love me, who ever will? Do I have to take steps back, lower my expectations, in order to find someone who will?

I'm getting so much better, but I have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like I'll be ok eventually, I just don't know how. But a lot of the time, I have no idea what ok looks like. All I can think about for my future is him. I currently have a few friends who are 10-20 years older than me who were either married or in long-term relationships, and who are now single. They have largely given up on finding someone to be with. For the most part, they're people who don't necessarily need to be around someone all the time. With as awful as I've felt lately, and knowing what I know about myself, I can't see doing that. That kind of life is not one I want.