Lonely

Today I feel lonely. Just lonely. Lonely turns to sad sometimes, to fear other times. But mostly, I'm just lonely. I started feeling like this at Walker's earlier, and I got myself to get out of there and keep moving. I stopped crying without talking to anyone else online or on the phone or in person. I drove home feeling successful and in control of my emotions.

Now I'm crying again. It didn't take much, and it didn't take long. E is still mad at me. He's mad at me for something I accidentally did to a friend, and the friend isn't mad at me. I think he needs to be mad in order to heal, and his anger isn't unjustified. But I miss my friend. He still knows me best. He's still really fun. If he was just some ho-hum guy that I had been dating for a while, this would suck. But he isn't. He's a really awesome person and there's no one like him, and no one that I relate to so deeply. I miss him. I miss my friend. Tomorrow I go to Atlanta and stay with another friend, and Friday I pick up my best friend from the airport and go to Charlotte for a night. This weekend is Labor Day and I have crafting plans on Monday, and in a few weeks I go visit family and my best friends. It all feels superficial and empty.

I keep saying it will pass. It has to pass. That's what life does. Things move. But right now, sitting in my living room, I can't see how. I can see outside of this shadow. I keep making lists in my head of all the people who aren't calling me or aren't calling me back, and all the reasons I don't feel close enough to anyone.

It hurts. Everything hurts. I know I have to go through it, but more than anything, I don't want to. I called E the other day because there was no one else I could call. He reminded me that I would be ok. It helped a lot. But now I'm not just giving him space -- he's also mad at me. I hurt him and I pushed him away.

Crying has turned into sobbing again and I need to get out of here. Nowhere feels safe. Everyone is busy and D is moving today and C is exhausted from dealing with me. I've used my friends as crutches and they're all breaking under the weight. I feel lonely. Just lonely. And sad.