Codependency

Therapy is almost always useful, and it was today. I cried almost the whole time, but I feel like I got a lot out of it. This was the first my therapist had heard of how the last two weeks have been, since the breakdown episode started right around my last appointment. There are some things I need to remember. Unfortunately, none of those things are going to make me feel much better, especially in the short term.

I'm pretty classically codependent. I had a narrow view of codependence that made me think perhaps I'm not. I need to connect to other people in order to feel complete and worthwhile. I've been dealing with this whole trauma by trying to keep some kind of line open to other people at all times, which makes it hurt that much more when the lines aren't open. Staying busy and making plans for myself isn't just something to do to distract myself. It's a way of building a life. I can't need people to make me feel good all the time. I have to like me, and like being with me.

I had understood the idea of calling people when you don't need them the same way you would when you do need them as a way of lowering the barriers to calling when you need someone. That's not actually the point. It's to normalize interacting with people when you're not in crisis.

I looked up Codependents Anonymous meetings in the area, and there's one in Lawrenceville that wouldn't be too hard to get to. My therapist suggested I use a meeting as a way to interact with people, and as something to look forward to so I don't feel like I'm always alone. Predictably, going to a meeting alone seems really scary. I immediately thought about who I could ask to come with me.

When I was with E, I felt strong. I didn't feel like the strength came from him; I felt like it came from me, but he helped bring it out. And that means that I'm not weak, I just need to figure out how to bring it out myself.

It is definitely time to reconsider my meds. I might not need to switch from Zoloft, but there are things I could add and I might be able to increase the dosage. I thought maybe messing with it right now would be a problem because I need all the help I can get right now. My therapist is sure the answer won't be to reduce anything; he said the worst I can expect is to feeling excessively drugged up for a little while. If that's likely to increase healing time, I don't want any of it. But if I could heal without breaking down like this every few hours, that would be great.

I have been in denial, not depression. I've been waiting for things to settle out so E can be the center of my life again. I miss him so much, but grieving is really what I have to do. Not just being sad or missing him, but grieving. Grief has always sounded to me like emptiness, and a reaction to that. I think I picture a deep deep hole, and someone at the bottom of it just raking the dirt back and forth. I think because "grieving" sounds like "gravel" to me. Staying so close has let me deny what happened. I even kept saying that I could be ok losing the relationship so long as I didn't lost E. I did lose E. He's gone. I don't have him. I won't have him. All I want is to have my life back, but I can't, so the only direction to head is forward. Maybe someday, hopefully someday soon, I'll meet a really awesome person who is strong and smart and brilliant and hilarious, and he'll feel like a familiar person, and we can be friends. That is my potential future with E, and nothing else. This might be the first time I've thought that and not immediately thought "that isn't a life I want to live."

Right now, I think I should go into one of the empty conference rooms and just let myself cry. Cry, and then be ok, and then get back to work. The thing is, I'm looking at this, too, as "ok, calm yourself down so you can call someone and connect." The healing has so so far to go.