Ow

I haven't written about a huge change in my life -- actually, several. I haven't written because as much as writing gets the bad feelings out and on paper/screen, I haven't wanted to see them. Since late April, I have lost a four-year relationship, had a boyfriend of a year move across the country, and moved out of a house that I thought would be a permanent home. I knew the boyfriend would be moving, and I was somewhat prepared for that, as prepared as I could be. I didn't know the long-term relationship would end. It ended for an ostensibly good reason -- we don't want the same kind of life in the future, and it's not possible, after four years of planning a present and a future together, to feel satisfied in a relationship without a future. Actually, I might've been ok with that. It would have stressed me out, but I would have rather had my relationship. Because then, I could think that maybe eventually there would be a future. But, self-delusion aside, this is the way it is. Because it has to be.

I went through a lot of emotional rollercoastering, mostly crying and panic attacks, which eventually became more sporadic. I moved from not being able to think more than a few days into the future to seeing the coming year as a transitional year after which I would move somewhere else, probably for grad school. That was more or less the plan with my partner, but now it'll be a new start rather than a continuation. Through all of this, I've had two very close friends, several understanding friends, a therapist, and the ex-partner and ex-boyfriend by my side. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised at how dedicated everyone was (and is) to me.

In June, I realized that I no longer wanted my relationship back. Knowing then what I didn't know before, I didn't want a relationship with no future. I wanted that relationship with that person, but the context and possibilities for the relationship had changed so starkly that saying "I want to get back together" would be like saying I'd like to picnic on the moon. It wasn't a reality on the list of things I could do.

I've looked at past breakups in terms of the stages of grief, and yesterday my therapist did the same with this one. I am petrified of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm sure I'll never find someone to love like I love him, and I'll never find someone who is just right the way he was. I need to be convinced of that if I'm going to relax and build up my life for my own sake and not just search endlessly for a new partner. But being convinced of that, especially in those terms, is likely to keep me emotionally closed off. If I'm going to be sad, I need to at least be able to build up the other parts of my life. Yesterday, my tiny victory was making plans with friends for last night and with a potential-person-to-date tonight, without first checking with my ex-partner to see if he was free to hang out. Even if all I want to do is spend time with him, I can't let that become my life. I'm no longer deluding myself into believing that he might want to get back together. He has communicated kindly and clearly that that is not a direction in which he is heading. He misses me, but that's a different thing. He also knows that if at any point he wants to get back together, well, there's a slim chance that I'm going to move on quickly or far. The door is open, he knows it, and I do not have the strength to close it.

But these last two days have been hard. I don't know why; there has been no trigger. They're just hard. The thing is, I don't know where to go from here. I'm not in denial -- I actually have a very keen sense of where I am. Perhaps the only place where I'm in denial is in the possibility of being happy in the future. Which is a whole other stage.

I didn't get angry for very long, and that was mostly early on. And even then, it manifested in a weird way. I can't be angry with someone for protecting my future or for being honest. There was no earlier point at which he could or should have told me this so that I didn't get so far into expecting to have a future together. It's hard to be angry when you can't place blame. But I did get angry, a little.

I'm past bargaining -- that didn't last long. It took about a week and a half and one therapy session for me to understand that there isn't much either of us could have done to avoid it or to change it after it happened. I suppose part of my bargaining stage has been figuring out how to make sure he's still in my life. If I can't have the relationship I want with the person I want to have it with, at least I don't have to lose the person, at least I can spend time with him, at least he's still emotionally supportive. I guess that's more bargaining with myself.

So I'm at depression. Just depression. It's a familiar stage. I've been dealing with it for most of my life, in one way or another. I'm doing things that feel good -- making new friends, cooking for myself, eating at home -- but still I hate that I'm depressed. Depression is also not an easy place to find a foothold. I'm sure if I found some delightful person to date, I could use those happy feelings to help roll myself up into a happier ball of healing. But it's hard to do that when I'm convinced that I already found the right person, and when so much of my time is taken up with figuring out how to heal. Even the date I have tonight, which is kind of a date and kind of hanging out with a friend that I like a lot and like making out with, I feel like I should warn him that I'm having a difficult few days. He'd be there for me if I needed it -- I know he would. But I would love to have a little part of my life that's free of the baggage. Not that my relationship with him would be. I am unable to feel anything beyond butterflies right now. Luckily, he gives me butterflies. But falling for someone seems impossible.

I'm told that I'll just keep going around and around these stages until I get to acceptance. I guess that's true, but what exactly am I to accept? That the relationship is over? It is. That it won't come back? It won't. That my life is severely changed from what it was and what I thought it would be? It is. That he's going to move on and it's going to hurt like hell? He will, he maybe already is, and even thinking about it does.

I don't know where to go from here. People keep saying it'll get better, but I want to know when. I read in a teen magazine a long time ago that it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. I really don't want to spend the next two years getting over him. My therapist said (though he doesn't really believe it) that maybe it's a month for every year. That benchmark comes up next week, and I don't think I'll be there. So maybe this is it. Maybe this is my new normal. Most of me is sad, withered, and not going to grow anything anymore, but I can focus on the rest. And that thought is the saddest of all.