I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.
It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.
M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.
Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Disappointment and attraction
After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.
I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.
The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.
With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.
At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.
I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.
The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.
With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.
At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
New normal?
The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.
Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.
Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.
I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.
Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.
Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.
I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.
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