Goodbye, Marcus

Goodbye, Marcus. I loved you. I wanted the best for you, and for us, even though I knew that would mean we couldn't do it together. I can't bear to see you happy with someone else, because I know what happiness is for you. It's shutting things out. It's trying to be impressive. You are impressive when you stop trying.

It was your birthday about four months after we started dating. I took you to the zoo to see the Komodo Dragon, and to a comic shop, and out for chicken and waffles. On the way home, you had tears in your eyes, because no one had ever really done anything for your birthday, except your mom when you were a kid. You couldn't believe I loved you enough to do that.

We went to Florida and went to GatorLand. You were so happy there. You loved everything about its reptiley goodness. We had fun, and we went back to our hotel and had incredible sex.

We went to New Orleans in the middle of a rough patch, and stayed in a crappy hostel. It was weird, having free days to roam a new city, but you indulged me when I looked up GPS coordinates for thw where the levees broke, and visited them.

On the road trip there, we pulled over to have sex in Mississippi because who knew if we'd ever get the shot. We threw the condom out the window. We had sex in seven states. You were the best sex I ever had.

I don't think I'll ever see you again. You couldn't wait two and a half months for me. I don't know that I can heal from that. I don't know if I can forgive you. I can't keep loving you.

You went to Las Vegas by yourself and got a tattoo that says, in Latin, "where there is love there is pain." I hope that that isn't true in all of your relationships, Marcus. But you can add this one to the list of Brittany, Dana, Rebecca, Helicia, and Holly. We had great love. And now we have great pain.

And here I thought I wouldn't leave an impression on your life. You got what you wanted. Another wound.

I crashed tonight for the first time in a while, and when I began to come back up, I remembered some amazing things that I've done in the last two months.

• I lost 12 pounds on purpose.
• My resting heart rate is about 15-20 beats per minute less than it used to be (from 90s to 70s).
• I can stay on the elliptical at level 5 or 6 for 75 minutes, even after lifting weights.
• I can run up two flights of stairs without flinching, AFTER working out.
• My left foot used to hurt regularly, and it doesn't. My left knee used to hurt when I worked out, and it doesn't.
• There's a little faint line of bicep showing
• I've gone to the gym 5 to 6 times a week for two months now.
• I eat well six days a week.
• I cook nearly all my own meals.
• I regularly wear tank tops into the shark tank gym full of skinny undergrads.