The days are the same

Every morning I wake up trying not to check social media. Every day at work I struggle to focus and not wonder why my phone is so quiet. I try not to notice if the boy I'm sporadically seeing is on gchat. I try not to think about whether the other guy I've been talking to is going to finally make real plans to hang out.

Then I decide I should do something to fix it, and I write, usually to a buddy. Today I feel like I've probably fried my regular buddies. I have no plans this week, and T is about to go to Germany for 10 days. I guess I do have plans Tuesday, but that's it. I left my gym bag home today because I forgot it's Wednesday, so I guess I'm not going to the gym. I need to set more volunteer training sessions, but I keep trying to keep my nights open for plans that keep not getting made. And running the store by myself will probably be kinda lonely.

I am not someone who thrives on my own. I am someone who loves having time alone when it's not the norm. I can take care of myself fine, and I can survive loneliness and boredom, but I don't like it. And I'm really really tired of not liking the most common theme in my life.

Time to talk about my mental health again

Silly as I know it is, I hoped my depression would fade when I moved to Boston. Far away from the things that hurt, and in a new place where my only task would be to build up rather than watch my life fall apart, I figured my poles would be nostalgia and happiness. I was wrong.

I love my job, but it's still a job, in an office, with stress, and occasionally without anyone else around all day. I still watch/listen to a lot of tv and radio news to keep from feeling so isolated. I like where I live, and my roommate is one of my dearest friends. My money is holding up ok, which has been helped by the fact that I don't eat out during the week. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and soak up the endorphins. I cook all my meals for the week on the weekends, and I have a routine that's comfortable. I have a few friends, including two of my best friends, and I can generally find people to hang out with when I want to. I still talk to several friends and my mom every week. I'm even dating some people, one who's flaky and hard to get in touch with.

And yet I'm depressed. Bored and lonely. I fret over whether anyone will like me, whether I'll ever find a partner. I get home in the evenings and just stare. Or watch TV. I assume that's ok for some people, but it's not ok for me. I don't want to live like this, temporarily or permanently.

I'm taking steps to build things. I'm volunteering at the local anarchist bookstore, and I'm embarking on a plan to visit museums and things that I want to visit. I have a second date with someone in two weeks, and I'm confirming a first date for tonight. I'm pretty excited about the former, but I know that I want to be in something more serious and I'm not sure he can do that. Plus it's hard to think about it without knowing where he is and how he's feeling. I'm bad at not thinking about it. But his life is full, he has several partners and hobbies and school and family. And I'm just floating out here, needing validation and company.

I need to be satisfied with my life as I've built it. Boredom is temporary. My life is mine. Still, I can't conceive of my life feeling full without a partner, but I know that I can't be in a relationship until I'm ok with the idea of my life feeling full just on my own. I always know that I'm depressed rather than sad because I can't see a way out. Sadness has a path out, even if it seems unattainable. Right now I can't imagine any situation where I'm not depressed. I often wonder, rationally and without emotion, if there's any point to keeping up trying to live. Why would I want to keep being miserable? Since I'm not in a tail-spin at the moment, I recognize that that's not a healthy thought. Last night I finally shared that thought with my bestie. I promised them I would tell someone else so the burden wasn't totally on them. I also explained that I'm not in a flurry of emotion that would cause me to hurt myself. Because it comes from a thought process, however irrational it truly is, I'm also able to intervene and reach out and ask other to take care of me until I can be distracted enough to move past it. I'm not in danger. But I'm not happy and I'm not ok being unhappy.

So it's time to find a new doctor and get my next birth control shot, a therapist to deal with the codependency issues, and possibly a psychiatrist to figure out how I can be on 150mg of zoloft and still be depressed all the time.

Time for a new plan. Today, I'll call my new insurance-provided PCP and make an appointment. I'll call mom, get work done, eat lunch, get work done, have my afternoon coffee. Then I'll enjoy my date tonight, and I'll send an email back to the guy I'll see again in a few weeks. I'll bake vegan cupcakes for an event tomorrow with a group I've never met before, and I'll go to bed. If I'm going to feel like a depressed zombie, I'm going to keep moving. I know the only way to break out of the coating of blah is to keep moving, even if it doesn't seem like it's going to help.

Why do some foundations give only to 501c3s and others give to non-501c3s?

Question:
Why can some foundations (like Crossroads) give to any organization, but others with similar missions (like Resist) don't give unless the organization is a 501c3?

Answer:
Basically, Crossroads isn't any different, they're just sticking their neck out further than most.

Crossroads is a foundation, which means it's a 501c3 that spends its money on other organizations rather than "doing the work" itself. In this case, they make a distinction between private foundations (which get money from a small group of sources) and public foundations (which get money from several sources). They are still only required to give out 5% of their total assets in a year, including whatever they spend on administration. (That is my personal pet peeve about foundation requirements. So much damn wealth stored up for no reason.)

So, here's the key: Foundations almost only ever give to 501c3 organizations, but that isn't strictly required. They can give to non-501c3 organizations, so long as the grant is still for a "charitable purpose." Which means that non-501c3s can get grants if their lack of 501c3 status is a coincidence. The risk of proving the organization's charitability falls on Crossroads. Crossroads can stick their neck out and give a grant to an organization that might not be approved for 501c3 status, but if the IRS disagrees, Crossroads has to stop giving to that organization. However, nothing I can find says that they'd have to pay the money back. So that's good. More likely than a foundation giving to a radical organization doing "charitable" work is that a foundation would give money to a for-profit organization to do "charitable" work. I'm guessing the ability to exploit it for personal or corporate gain is the far more likely purpose and use of this loophole.

Crossroads does require organizations have a bank account in the organization's name, which usually means having an EIN, which means filing an SS-4 (I think) with the IRS, which still means being legally recognized and regulated.



Sources:
http://www.washingtongrantmakers.org/s_wash/images/client/TopTenTrouble.pdf
http://www.grantspace.org/Tools/Knowledge-Base/Funding-Resources/Foundations/What-is-a-foundation
http://www.guidestar.org/FinDocuments/2012/363/092/2012-363092907-09004c8e-9.pdf

Footprints

I used to love that old story about someone walking through the sand, and Jesus picking them up and carrying them when things got hard. I have a different view of God, where God is love and love is expressed through other people. And this revision seems appropriate:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed a set of footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were a few sets, sometimes just one.
When I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat,
It seemed the whole world came rushing in to trample on me.
Finally I asked my friends why I got pushed around when things were so hard
And my friends replied,
"That was when we all came and took turns carrying you on our shoulders."

Goodbye, Marcus

Goodbye, Marcus. I loved you. I wanted the best for you, and for us, even though I knew that would mean we couldn't do it together. I can't bear to see you happy with someone else, because I know what happiness is for you. It's shutting things out. It's trying to be impressive. You are impressive when you stop trying.

It was your birthday about four months after we started dating. I took you to the zoo to see the Komodo Dragon, and to a comic shop, and out for chicken and waffles. On the way home, you had tears in your eyes, because no one had ever really done anything for your birthday, except your mom when you were a kid. You couldn't believe I loved you enough to do that.

We went to Florida and went to GatorLand. You were so happy there. You loved everything about its reptiley goodness. We had fun, and we went back to our hotel and had incredible sex.

We went to New Orleans in the middle of a rough patch, and stayed in a crappy hostel. It was weird, having free days to roam a new city, but you indulged me when I looked up GPS coordinates for thw where the levees broke, and visited them.

On the road trip there, we pulled over to have sex in Mississippi because who knew if we'd ever get the shot. We threw the condom out the window. We had sex in seven states. You were the best sex I ever had.

I don't think I'll ever see you again. You couldn't wait two and a half months for me. I don't know that I can heal from that. I don't know if I can forgive you. I can't keep loving you.

You went to Las Vegas by yourself and got a tattoo that says, in Latin, "where there is love there is pain." I hope that that isn't true in all of your relationships, Marcus. But you can add this one to the list of Brittany, Dana, Rebecca, Helicia, and Holly. We had great love. And now we have great pain.

And here I thought I wouldn't leave an impression on your life. You got what you wanted. Another wound.

I crashed tonight for the first time in a while, and when I began to come back up, I remembered some amazing things that I've done in the last two months.

• I lost 12 pounds on purpose.
• My resting heart rate is about 15-20 beats per minute less than it used to be (from 90s to 70s).
• I can stay on the elliptical at level 5 or 6 for 75 minutes, even after lifting weights.
• I can run up two flights of stairs without flinching, AFTER working out.
• My left foot used to hurt regularly, and it doesn't. My left knee used to hurt when I worked out, and it doesn't.
• There's a little faint line of bicep showing
• I've gone to the gym 5 to 6 times a week for two months now.
• I eat well six days a week.
• I cook nearly all my own meals.
• I regularly wear tank tops into the shark tank gym full of skinny undergrads.

Invisibility

It's become clear to me that L is living in the house I shared with E. None of our mutual friends will confirm or deny, on my request, but I'm pretty sure it's true. It hurts so badly to be replaced.

I am so much happier than I've been in a long time, and I'm moving forward with my life. It's 12:30 on Monday, and I'm taking care of myself as good as I ever have, but I'm crying. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I can't think of anything that will make me feel better and for eight months I've just been relying on time to heal this.

The thing is, I don't know that I actually miss him. I just feel invisible. I feel erased. I honestly think that if I didn't leave my room for a week, no one would notice. Maybe my boss if I didn't get to Atlanta at least once that week, but all of the people I relate to are far away.

I need closure. I need it so bad. I want to call him, say goodbye, hug, and leave forever. Anywhere but here.

That's what friends are for

i have said many times that i have the best friends in the world. and it's true. i do. i had an awful fight with my mom the other day, and i didn't know who to reach out to. but, as always, my friends knew just where i was. i talked to d about it on the phone, and t via chat, and i told m about it the next day but left out where the conversation started. here's what i wrote in a few different iterations.

mom is suddenly being awful. i know that she is completely freaked out
by interracial relationships, and she can't cover that up by
pretending that she's against polyamory. (that's what she did during
the first year or my relationship with m.) i haven't told her
about my plans with him, or that things are getting more serious. i
told her that the visit was great and i feel really good about it, but
she can barely hear anything about him at all. so i've tried not to
talk about it.

last night i called her on my way home from atlanta, and asked in a
very calm, mature way what the nature of her concern is. she liked him
as a person, and having grown up on military bases he lacks a lot of
the mannerisms, speech patterns, etc that would usually scare my
mother. she flipped. she acted as if i was telling her i had bought
her house out from under her and was selling it and kicking her out.
just so upsidedown and instantly hysterical. the closest thing to a
better understanding is that there are "cultural differences" between
races that cause problems down the road in relationships, and it's
something she just finds disgusting at the core of her being. i find
it almost funny that she'd worry about the future of this relationship
(code for kids) and not about my relationships with e or d,
where there were significant legal risks for being long-term partners.

i expected the racism. what i didn't expect was for her to tell me
that i'm still at a stage where i make choices in order to rebel
against her. if that's how she really sees me, there is absolutely
nothing i can do to fix it.

earlier in the conversation i'd told her that i was eating really well
and feeling really good, and this calorie counting thing i found
suggested 1,200 calories a day on non-workout days. she said the idea
is that 1,200 calories a day should eventually get me down to 120
pounds. that's about half my weight and i haven't been 120 pounds
since before puberty, so i laughed. she was serious.

after we hung up, she sent me an email. i didn't read it until today.
she says she doesn't know how to solve this "disagreement" between us,
but she hopes i'll pay attention to wisdom, and do i even bother to
pray anymore? and then she said maybe if i lost 50 pounds, my world
would "open up." she thinks i want to be with m because only he
(or probably only black men) would love a fat girl, and i'm
comfortable with it because it goes against the grain of society.

i haven't cried about this, and i have no desire to fight with her
about it. i also have no plans to call her. if i can't talk to her
about m, or my future, or how i'm taking care of myself on a
daily basis, what's the point? we're planning a big trip for her 60th
birthday in june, and at this moment i can't see that happening. i
can't see where this ends.

the responses i got from the people i talked to about this were spot-on. here's one.

 this is horrible. they need to have a PFLAG for racist parents. i'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

the body comments are so tired. i'm sure all this hurts, but i hope you can get some distance and see that it's not about you but rather about forms of oppression that she's tapping into to exert dominance over you. presumably because she feels powerless in her own life. again, not about you.

clearly, your mother has boundary problems (which prob. set you up for codependency). and the only way to be safe around someone with no boundaries is to create them for yourself and vigorously police them. and remember that we are victims of victims. i'd bet your mother has experienced deep misery over her body and her race issues-- not to mention her boundary issues. just a hunch. maybe her misery isn't so literally connected to what she's doing. but happy, mature people don't behave in this way.

ok, maybe that's all too honest? i'm sure you love her and want her respect. but she's a long way from being able to give you that. so some grieving is in order. and then, some rosie the riveter.

and the other. 

WOW that is a lot. i am so sorry that your mom's freakout resulted on those kinds of claims on your body. that is a lot. i think you're right to try to keep your distance from it, because it sounds like she hasn't found the real concern yet--even though her concerns are Big Concerns for a mom, i still don't think she's found the real one. from the outside, it looks like irrational parent freak out (like something my dad has done to me before, for example). 

i am so sorry...there are no words for this kind of thing. i am sending you the biggest hug. if it starts to go downhill and you need someone to talk to you/remind you to take an ativan, i am here.

so now i'm remembering that having and enforcing boundaries is not the same as cutting someone out of my life. and i am very, very strong.

Dreams

I've been having weird dreams lately, and I only remember snippets and feelings. Some of these are transparent, but I have no idea where the Biscuit ones come from. I'm not feeling any Biscuit-related angst lately.

-Me and T are in a car, on a winding bridge. I keep trying to make the hairpin turns at too high a speed, because I'm talking about something that upsets me. Eventually we go over the edge and dive into the water alongside the bridge. It's not urgent or scary, it's just like "oh damn."

-E answers my phone call or returns a call, and I ask him to tell me if his grandmother dies. She's been ill forever and I probably won't ever see her alive again, so I want to at least be at the funeral. He says he won't, and he explains why not. We talk about a few other things, I think about whether to be friends, and he explains honestly and calmly where he is and why it's not a good idea for him. I cry because it's not what I wanted, but I'm relieved that we could have an adult conversation.

-Me and the Biscuit are hanging out and we start having sex. It's hot, and incredibly comfortable.

-Later, the Biscuit and I are saying goodbye after a party with friends, and I hug him, and he says "I love you." I respond, "Awww, that's so sweet!" and he gives me exactly the look you should give someone when that happens. Sort of "huh?"

-I'm at a party and E and L are both there. It's uncomfortable, and I have the sensation of wearing scratchy wet wool lace. I think about whether to say anything to him, and eventually I come up with something I want to say. I think it's about his grandmother or something. I go up to him to say it, and he grabs me in a big hug. I pull away, surprised, and he hugs me again. Then we both go our separate ways, and it's fine. I don't think I ever said what I was going to. The feeling of reconciliation is palpable.

Relationships are weird.

Turns out, it wasn't just me. M and I are now considering how to give our relationship a real try. If I don't get into one of my top three (of five) grad schools, I'm moving to New Mexico. If I do get in, we don't know what will happen. I'll know by March. I need to remember to keep growing and keep fighting codependency even if there's love and a relationship on the horizon.

In the meantime, we're still seeing other people, and I'm trying to move ahead with my life. I'm finishing my applications, and the GRE is tomorrow. Marco came over a few days ago, and D came over today. He's still a total flake, but it was as amazing and fun as I expected it to be. I now have three impressive bite marks on my neck and chest.

A good friend is having a birthday potluck tonight and warned me that E would probably be there. I took the friend to lunch instead, because I really need to be able to live as if E doesn't exist. I thought about bringing someone with me -- the Biscuit would be a lot of fun and would make me a lot more comfortable in the space -- but I think I'd actually just end up putting too much stress on a friendship.

This bite mark, though. That's making me reconsider.

Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?

This is what mild anxiety looks like

I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.

I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.

It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."

I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.

I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.

Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.

I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 

Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?

I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 

Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.

Back to codependence

I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.

It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.

M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.

Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.

Disappointment and attraction

After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.

I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.

The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.

With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.

At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.

New normal?

The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.

Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.

Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.

I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.

Baggage

Every day I see the baggage I have from my relationship with E. On top of the fact that I'm still dealing with it while I'm moving on, it doesn't take much for me to fear that I've fallen out of favor in new relationships. That was always my big concern with E -- because we didn't see love and commitment the same way, I feared he'd just turn around one day and decide I'm not worth it. I spent years trying to believe that E's way of loving was just as strong as mine, even if he expressed it differently. And then I was proven wrong. So any indication of disinterest is a red flag to me. I have no idea anymore how to gauge someone else's interest, even friends. It doesn't help that everyone but me seems to think it's polite to be indirect, to which I infallibly respond with being pushy and doubting their intentions.

I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.

Grief as told through Ani songs

I've been going from anger to sadness during my downtime this weekend. When I was hanging out with people, I felt ok, even if I was talking about E. But when left to my own devices, I swing from sobbing at the loss of everything that felt comfortable, to raging because he couldn't love me enough. I have mostly flamed out for the night.

There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:



I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.

I am now here:



I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through...  I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]

And I'm hoping to get closer to here:



I've got better things to do than survive.

What a new life looks like

This week was hard. Monday was E's birthday, and that set off a week of feeling a little on edge, and crying for a bit pretty much every day. At some point CS reminded me that it's ok to feel like shit, and it's ok to sit with that. I keep wishing that it would just go away, and I beat myself up for feeling bad ever. So I cried. I cried like the world was ending. And then it stopped. The world was still here, and I'm ok.

I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.

Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.

There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.

A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.

Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.

The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.

Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.

I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.

That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.

Happy Birthday, E

I want to write an eloquent happy birthday post to E, because he turns 30 today. I've been sad because I thought I'd be celebrating this day with him, and I thought it would be kind of amazing to think that when we each turn 30, we'd be well on our way to a life together. That obviously hasn't happened.

I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.