Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?