Invisibility

It's become clear to me that L is living in the house I shared with E. None of our mutual friends will confirm or deny, on my request, but I'm pretty sure it's true. It hurts so badly to be replaced.

I am so much happier than I've been in a long time, and I'm moving forward with my life. It's 12:30 on Monday, and I'm taking care of myself as good as I ever have, but I'm crying. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I can't think of anything that will make me feel better and for eight months I've just been relying on time to heal this.

The thing is, I don't know that I actually miss him. I just feel invisible. I feel erased. I honestly think that if I didn't leave my room for a week, no one would notice. Maybe my boss if I didn't get to Atlanta at least once that week, but all of the people I relate to are far away.

I need closure. I need it so bad. I want to call him, say goodbye, hug, and leave forever. Anywhere but here.

That's what friends are for

i have said many times that i have the best friends in the world. and it's true. i do. i had an awful fight with my mom the other day, and i didn't know who to reach out to. but, as always, my friends knew just where i was. i talked to d about it on the phone, and t via chat, and i told m about it the next day but left out where the conversation started. here's what i wrote in a few different iterations.

mom is suddenly being awful. i know that she is completely freaked out
by interracial relationships, and she can't cover that up by
pretending that she's against polyamory. (that's what she did during
the first year or my relationship with m.) i haven't told her
about my plans with him, or that things are getting more serious. i
told her that the visit was great and i feel really good about it, but
she can barely hear anything about him at all. so i've tried not to
talk about it.

last night i called her on my way home from atlanta, and asked in a
very calm, mature way what the nature of her concern is. she liked him
as a person, and having grown up on military bases he lacks a lot of
the mannerisms, speech patterns, etc that would usually scare my
mother. she flipped. she acted as if i was telling her i had bought
her house out from under her and was selling it and kicking her out.
just so upsidedown and instantly hysterical. the closest thing to a
better understanding is that there are "cultural differences" between
races that cause problems down the road in relationships, and it's
something she just finds disgusting at the core of her being. i find
it almost funny that she'd worry about the future of this relationship
(code for kids) and not about my relationships with e or d,
where there were significant legal risks for being long-term partners.

i expected the racism. what i didn't expect was for her to tell me
that i'm still at a stage where i make choices in order to rebel
against her. if that's how she really sees me, there is absolutely
nothing i can do to fix it.

earlier in the conversation i'd told her that i was eating really well
and feeling really good, and this calorie counting thing i found
suggested 1,200 calories a day on non-workout days. she said the idea
is that 1,200 calories a day should eventually get me down to 120
pounds. that's about half my weight and i haven't been 120 pounds
since before puberty, so i laughed. she was serious.

after we hung up, she sent me an email. i didn't read it until today.
she says she doesn't know how to solve this "disagreement" between us,
but she hopes i'll pay attention to wisdom, and do i even bother to
pray anymore? and then she said maybe if i lost 50 pounds, my world
would "open up." she thinks i want to be with m because only he
(or probably only black men) would love a fat girl, and i'm
comfortable with it because it goes against the grain of society.

i haven't cried about this, and i have no desire to fight with her
about it. i also have no plans to call her. if i can't talk to her
about m, or my future, or how i'm taking care of myself on a
daily basis, what's the point? we're planning a big trip for her 60th
birthday in june, and at this moment i can't see that happening. i
can't see where this ends.

the responses i got from the people i talked to about this were spot-on. here's one.

 this is horrible. they need to have a PFLAG for racist parents. i'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

the body comments are so tired. i'm sure all this hurts, but i hope you can get some distance and see that it's not about you but rather about forms of oppression that she's tapping into to exert dominance over you. presumably because she feels powerless in her own life. again, not about you.

clearly, your mother has boundary problems (which prob. set you up for codependency). and the only way to be safe around someone with no boundaries is to create them for yourself and vigorously police them. and remember that we are victims of victims. i'd bet your mother has experienced deep misery over her body and her race issues-- not to mention her boundary issues. just a hunch. maybe her misery isn't so literally connected to what she's doing. but happy, mature people don't behave in this way.

ok, maybe that's all too honest? i'm sure you love her and want her respect. but she's a long way from being able to give you that. so some grieving is in order. and then, some rosie the riveter.

and the other. 

WOW that is a lot. i am so sorry that your mom's freakout resulted on those kinds of claims on your body. that is a lot. i think you're right to try to keep your distance from it, because it sounds like she hasn't found the real concern yet--even though her concerns are Big Concerns for a mom, i still don't think she's found the real one. from the outside, it looks like irrational parent freak out (like something my dad has done to me before, for example). 

i am so sorry...there are no words for this kind of thing. i am sending you the biggest hug. if it starts to go downhill and you need someone to talk to you/remind you to take an ativan, i am here.

so now i'm remembering that having and enforcing boundaries is not the same as cutting someone out of my life. and i am very, very strong.

Dreams

I've been having weird dreams lately, and I only remember snippets and feelings. Some of these are transparent, but I have no idea where the Biscuit ones come from. I'm not feeling any Biscuit-related angst lately.

-Me and T are in a car, on a winding bridge. I keep trying to make the hairpin turns at too high a speed, because I'm talking about something that upsets me. Eventually we go over the edge and dive into the water alongside the bridge. It's not urgent or scary, it's just like "oh damn."

-E answers my phone call or returns a call, and I ask him to tell me if his grandmother dies. She's been ill forever and I probably won't ever see her alive again, so I want to at least be at the funeral. He says he won't, and he explains why not. We talk about a few other things, I think about whether to be friends, and he explains honestly and calmly where he is and why it's not a good idea for him. I cry because it's not what I wanted, but I'm relieved that we could have an adult conversation.

-Me and the Biscuit are hanging out and we start having sex. It's hot, and incredibly comfortable.

-Later, the Biscuit and I are saying goodbye after a party with friends, and I hug him, and he says "I love you." I respond, "Awww, that's so sweet!" and he gives me exactly the look you should give someone when that happens. Sort of "huh?"

-I'm at a party and E and L are both there. It's uncomfortable, and I have the sensation of wearing scratchy wet wool lace. I think about whether to say anything to him, and eventually I come up with something I want to say. I think it's about his grandmother or something. I go up to him to say it, and he grabs me in a big hug. I pull away, surprised, and he hugs me again. Then we both go our separate ways, and it's fine. I don't think I ever said what I was going to. The feeling of reconciliation is palpable.

Relationships are weird.

Turns out, it wasn't just me. M and I are now considering how to give our relationship a real try. If I don't get into one of my top three (of five) grad schools, I'm moving to New Mexico. If I do get in, we don't know what will happen. I'll know by March. I need to remember to keep growing and keep fighting codependency even if there's love and a relationship on the horizon.

In the meantime, we're still seeing other people, and I'm trying to move ahead with my life. I'm finishing my applications, and the GRE is tomorrow. Marco came over a few days ago, and D came over today. He's still a total flake, but it was as amazing and fun as I expected it to be. I now have three impressive bite marks on my neck and chest.

A good friend is having a birthday potluck tonight and warned me that E would probably be there. I took the friend to lunch instead, because I really need to be able to live as if E doesn't exist. I thought about bringing someone with me -- the Biscuit would be a lot of fun and would make me a lot more comfortable in the space -- but I think I'd actually just end up putting too much stress on a friendship.

This bite mark, though. That's making me reconsider.

Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?

This is what mild anxiety looks like

I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.

I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.

It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."

I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.

I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.

Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.

I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 

Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?

I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 

Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.