Relationships are weird.

Turns out, it wasn't just me. M and I are now considering how to give our relationship a real try. If I don't get into one of my top three (of five) grad schools, I'm moving to New Mexico. If I do get in, we don't know what will happen. I'll know by March. I need to remember to keep growing and keep fighting codependency even if there's love and a relationship on the horizon.

In the meantime, we're still seeing other people, and I'm trying to move ahead with my life. I'm finishing my applications, and the GRE is tomorrow. Marco came over a few days ago, and D came over today. He's still a total flake, but it was as amazing and fun as I expected it to be. I now have three impressive bite marks on my neck and chest.

A good friend is having a birthday potluck tonight and warned me that E would probably be there. I took the friend to lunch instead, because I really need to be able to live as if E doesn't exist. I thought about bringing someone with me -- the Biscuit would be a lot of fun and would make me a lot more comfortable in the space -- but I think I'd actually just end up putting too much stress on a friendship.

This bite mark, though. That's making me reconsider.

Panic attack.

So many of my feelings about other people have been dilutions of my hurt over E. But today is different. M was here for about 45 hours, and we spent the majority sleeping, cuddling, or fucking. It was amazing. We had really good conversations, including talking about other people we've dated, and about our potential future. He said the thought that keeps coming back is why did he go? He ran away from the ghosts here in Georgia, but that also meant running away from me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we give it a real shot, somewhere else, on our own terms? I thought out loud that we could do what we're doing, with a modified monogamy. Be in love, be committed, but not be monogamous in our separate states. But also not be looking for or building anything with other people. It sounds a little crazy, but I love him, and right now the thought of being with anyone else seems unpalatable and stupid. As I said it, I realized that being together would give me someone to lean on at a time when I need to learn to lean on myself.

I think maybe this will fade in a few days, once I get back to my normal life and he and I stabilize again. But right now, I cannot fathom being with anyone else, or living in a place without him. What the fuck am I doing in Athens? I have friends that I like a lot, but none of my soulmates are here. At the moment most of them are in DC waiting for me. What if M is the love of my life and I'm just sitting here because I've got a pretty house and don't especially like the desert? What the fuck am I doing?

This is what mild anxiety looks like

I've done so much better the last few weeks with managing my anxiety. I know now that it takes a few days to recover after I interact with E or his existence. That's ok. It will pass, every single time. I haven't figured out how to let go of the potentially compatible person he might eventually be, but since he doesn't seem to be that person right now, I'm doing ok. I'm buddies with the Biscuit and it's as goofy and fun as it's ever been.

I'm cooling it on trying to find people to make out with, but D reappeared in my life. He's still working on not using sex as a coping mechanism. He takes some coaxing sometimes, and I've checked with him to make sure I'm not ever putting on too much pressure. But he also just disappears sometimes. And I think he's disappeared. I think I pushed him too hard Wednesday, and he's running away from any feelings that could get in the way. The last time he ran away, it hurt REALLY bad. A lot of that was transference, and feeling the loss of D as if it was a redux of the loss of E. This time it's just plain disappointment. I left him alone yesterday and texted him this morning. No word.

It's not that this is especially unusual, it's just that I'm especially predisposed to expecting him to disappear, particularly when we have definite plans for activities that may or may not have a specific time and date. I try to make sure I don't put too much weight on plans with him, but Wednesday it wasn't future plans. It was "are you coming over now?" and "I don't know."

I think he'll come back. I think he'll follow through on the plans at some point. But I want him to follow through now, and I don't know how to negotiate that. I know he doesn't want to process anything ever.

I have an empty house this week and a normal amount of plans with friends. I have the chance to be stupid and slutty for a few days, and I'd like to take it.

Friends

There are a lot of things to say about my friends lately. One told me we can't be friends anymore, another told me he needs a lot of space from me, and another told me I've been neglecting her. I can't say that any of them are wrong, but it's been difficult. The third of these, thankfully, is committed to figuring out what's going on, and my love and appreciation for her has ballooned. Now that she's pointed out how thoroughly I've been ignoring her, I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time.

And yet, I'm having a lot of positive feelings about the loves in my life. I had some thoughts this morning that I wanted to share, so I sent them to the boys. I thought I'd share that email here, too.

I think I figured out why so much of New Years in Athens was difficult for me. I'm the only one who hasn't hosted a New Years trip, which is fine. But when we were talking about having it in Athens, I didn't plan anything either. That's not anyone else's problem but mine -- I barely gave input and I know I could have. So I ended up feeling like a stranger in my own hometown. In the next few years we'll probably do something wherever I live, and hopefully by then I'll stop taking a backseat when I don't have to. 

Just thought I'd share that. I am once again realizing how insanely important you guys are in my life. I don't think I actually forgot it. But there was this one night at R's apartment in Highland Lake where I was feeling suicidal and R and T came outside and sat on either side of me, and then did the same inside on the couch? That is the most secure I have ever felt in my life, and I can call it up sometimes when I'm feeling awful. I think these last 7 or 8 months have helped me realize how many people care about me. I used to think it was like 5-10. Do you know there are dozens? Plus people who care about me an average amount and really like hanging out with me. Who knew?

I don't think anyone expected this, least of all me, but I'm really appreciating Rachel's friendship. I think there are various reasons she and I are closer friends with men than with women, but I don't feel so competitive now that we're developing a friendship of our own. You guys are obviously still my boys, and still my A+ #1 besties, but I have no problem including her in that group, geographically or physically or emotionally. I like having time just the four of us, but she's become important to me too. We spend a fair bit of time sort of virtually coexisting, having stop-and-go conversations online, usually on weekends when we're the only people awake and working. A few times I've mentioned to T something that Rachel mentioned she was worried about, and it was news to him. I think we might actually be relating in a different way that's not contingent on you guys. On E's 30th birthday, I didn't know of anyone who would have the slightest idea how it felt, but I knew she would on several levels. I don't wanna overanalyze it too heavily (ship, sailed) but it's pretty good. 

Clearly today is one of the days when I can feel growth. That, or I really don't want to write this take-home exam. You be the judge.

Back to codependence

I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.

It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.

M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.

Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.

Disappointment and attraction

After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.

I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.

The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.

With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.

At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.

New normal?

The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.

Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.

Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.

I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.