silenced

I went with E to have beer with his professor tonight -- something I've been lobbying him to let me come to for a week. The professor is a young guy, the class is public opinion, and his blog is Gin and Tacos. For a while, it was just the three of us having a comfortable conversation about politics, pop culture, college culture, and the like. Then a fourth person joined us -- a student from E's class (who I'm calling DoucheBag) who kept coming up with out-of-the-blue questions like "Why doesn't Athens have a Steak 'N' Shake?" when the topic was abstinence-only "education." The conversation moved from bars (college vs grownup) to strip clubs, and DB decided to talk about going to the Clermont Lounge in Atlanta and getting a lapdance.

I have never been to the Clermont Lounge, but I've delivered meals on wheels to its attached hotel. The strip club is known for having real women -- fat, skinny, old, queer, straight, whatever. Just real. DB was floored that such a place existed that would showcase women outside the airbrush boobjob strip club stereotype that he apparently prefers. I interjected several times that the Clermont Lounge is known for having real women; I hoped this would dissuade DB from going further. It didn't. He decided to describe, in detail, the lapdance his friend bought for him. The dancer was a large African-American woman, around 50 years old, who had been a stripper for two decades. When he started pantomiming how big her chest was, the prof told him not to describe any more. DB did anyway. I started squeezing E's hand, and he squeezed back. We were both trying to think of ways to cut DB off, but we couldn't. I know that my face and my body language clearly signaled UNCOMFORTABLE. When it became clear I wouldn't be able to handle sitting it out -- "she took one tit and smacked me in the face with it" -- I got up and walked down the block. I left my purse and my phone and didn't say a word, just got up and walked away.

I felt silenced. There was no way out of that situation for me, except the one I took. If I said the story made me uncomfortable, I would be the castrating feminazi bitch who brought the conversation to a dead halt. If I asked E to say something, he would be the pussy-whipped boyfriend of a castrating feminazi bitch, and the conversation would still come to a stop. If I sat there, I would continue to feel myself and my self-confidence be minimized and I would shrivel. What else was I supposed to do? Argue that he should have enjoyed himself? Abruptly changed the subject? Get used to be objectified and ignored? Even the worst privileged unintentional asshole doesn't tell offensive jokes at the expense of a minority present, at least not without a "hey, I swear I'm just joking" disclaimer. (My family are experts in this sort of "disclaimer.") DB could tell that story because he knew I wouldn't stop him. He overpowered me without my having to say a word. The entire situation became unsafe for me in an instant; a conversation that I had been at least 1/4 of a few minutes earlier was suddenly For Men Only and I was neither welcome nor excused.

I walked back several minutes later, and we all left about ten minutes after that. On the walk back to the car, E told me how the conversation ended. They let DB finish his story, then E immediately said "Have you guys ever seen 'Live Nude Girls Unite'?" Prof said he used to show it in some of the classes he taught. DB asked what that was, and E explained that it's about the sex workers organizing and unionizing. The conversation moved on from there, and when I got back to my phone I saw that E had texted me to tell me when it was safe again. I don't think I said anything the rest of the time we sat there. I couldn't. I ignored DB; I don't think I looked up. If I did, it was on Social Autopilot.

And I still don't know what I should have done instead.

Let's Talk Basketball

This ESPN clip was on Maddow last night. It's a lovely clip, but the highlight is this. The Phoenix Suns wore jerseys in a semifinal NBA game that said "los suns." I had tears in my eyes listening to this.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/ns/msnbc_tv-rachel_maddow_show/#37007991

GirlFuck

http://erikamoen.com/comics/girlfuck/cover.htm

Ditto this one, but it's a comic, so I don't feel right pulling it over. *crosses fingers* that this link is permanent.

Sexual assault prevention tips guaranteed to work

This was passed around the feminist internets a few months ago, and I want to enshrine it somewhere I can always find it. It's so good that being a google search away is too far.

http://mobile.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2009/09/23/guaranteed_rape_prevention/index.html


"Sexual assault prevention tips guaranteed to work"

A modest proposal for avoiding rape

Lynn Harris

School's in, the party's on -- and the grownups are "freaking out," writes Jaclyn Friedman at The American Prospect. "At about this time every year, adult anxiety about sexual assault reaches a tipping point and gives way to an avalanche of advice to young women from campuses, commentators, and parents alike: Don't hook up! Don't dress provocatively! Watch your drink! Actually, don't drink at all! Always stay with a friend! Don't stay out too late! Don't walk home alone! Etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseam."

Common sense and gut-trusting, with a soupcon of vigilance: never a bad idea. But as far as reliable rape prevention goes, Friedman notes, they're about as strong a self-defense as a pamphlet. Sexual assault rates may indeed even be going up, and that's in part because one very important person is often left out of the prevention equation: the perp. Yes, there can be gray areas; confusion and complications, of course. But there is a bottom line: "Only rapists can prevent rape." In the prevention and counseling community, that's practically a chestnut -- but to the rest of us, it presents a serious and overdue challenge: to shift the way we talk about rape and where we place ultimate responsibility for public health and safety.

One bit of pointed not-really-satire currently making the rounds (but not always sourced) could also give us a start. (Caveat: The "ALWAYS REMEMBER" coda is pushing it, I think. But the rest is the stuff of instant, if provocative, classic.)

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime--no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

False Profit and community work

In an extremely roundabout way (craft link to laser-cut wedding dress, link to offbeat bride, read an interview, googled the company), I found out about a community organization called False Profit LLC. They have a very simple writeup of their process that I found to be soothing, which is not a common feeling for me when it comes to community work lately. Here's the link: http://www.false-profit.com/

And in case that link ever dies, here's the information:

False Profit, LLC began in 2001 when a group of friends moved into a warehouse in SOMA. The False Profit community sprang to life soon after, and we learned a lot from those who came before us in the quest to have fun at a large scale without needing to pay ourselves. Over the years, we’ve figured out some things that work for us.

Practices

Consensus

Everyone has to agree to go along with a decisions of the group. Otherwise, it’s not a decision of the group. This is time-consuming, but you can get better at it. We ask each other the question, “Can we live with this?”

Meritocracy

The people doing the hard work have more of a say. If you want to call the shots, you have to pull the weight.

Transparency

Document everything (meetings, contact info, budgets, ideas) on wikis. Keep accurate books, and tell everyone involved where the money went.

Eating Together

It’s a basic human bonding thing. Sharing food with people makes you like and trust them more.

Process

1. One or more people have an idea they want to produce
2. They work out some specifics and share the idea with the wider group
3. Individuals take on roles and responsibilities as needed to make it happen
4. These task leaders organize the materials and help they need for their task
5. Along the way, we share and document information using wikis and email lists
6. We produce killer events for the fun of it and reinvest any profits
7. The next time around, different people can take on different roles

Freedom of association

I watch a lot of Rachel Maddow, and she is very interested in pointing out when politicians or fake grassroots organizations have ties to recognized white supremacist organizations or people, profiteering, etc. A blog that my partner reads just pointed out that one of the Arizona state legislators follows a whole lot of white supremacists on Twitter. While that would be damning for someone trying to cover up such connections, I think the cat is out of the bag. The ship has sailed. True colors have come out. Insert cliche here. Once you support, create, vote for, like, enjoy, validate, or do anything other than condemn the recent Arizona legislation (SB 1070 and other racist measures that came after), your associations are no longer damning. You become the association that others then get tied to. You are the white supremacist. All by yourself. We don't have to look at hints or associations anymore.

Is it coincidence that I always wear rings on my middle finger?

My ring came! I bought myself this ring for my birthday.

My history with rings is interesting, at least to me. In 8th grade, I had a ring that was personally symbolic of my virginity and commitment to it. I took that ring off at a time that was unrelated to my sex life, after having it on for about ten years.

When I was with my college boyfriend, he gave me a promise ring for my 19th birthday. It was a beautiful simple design, with white and yellow gold and diamond chips.

When that relationship ended, it was symbolic for me to take the ring off, and I could see the mark of it on my finger for at least a year. I bought myself a ring to symbolize a commitment to myself. I had it engraved on the inside with Body Heart Mind Soul, from the Alix Olson song Eve's Mouth. After I got a tattoo of the same, I wasn't sure if I should keep wearing it.

At the beginning of 2010, I found myself wanting a new ring, which was only fueling the fire of watching people I knew in high school and college get married. So I decided to buy myself a ring. I bought it on etsy from punkybunnydesigns.com. I highly recommend her! It's handmade, and stamped with just an ampersand. It plays to my typography nerdiness and to my recognition that there is always more, always room to grow, always more to life, always more people to love.