I'm done.

Tonight was a disaster. I thought me and E could handle hanging out for a friend's birthday -- after all, we'd hung out one on one several times and were ok. By the end of the night, I'd cried my eyes out and I'm fucking DONE now. I need to get this out and down, and the easiest way is by sharing an edited version of this conversation. The things I've removed are to tone down the anger of the first venting, and the irrelevant stuff about knitting towards the end. Scroll to the bottom and you'll see the resignation, nostalgia, and anger I feel simultaneously.

me: you there?

  i just got home

 C: I am

 me: i'm done with this shit

  we had two seconds alone and i asked how he was and he said it was hard leaving L at home, but she wouldn't have come anyway, and that's my fault bc i always make things awkward.

  and then he stormed away.

  several times.

1:35 AM ended up getting a drink and leaving it and leaving our friend whose bday it was, and i made the friend chase him or else e would be mad at me forever.

 C: several? as in he came back after storming away?

 me: as in i followed him bc he was going outside, then back inside.

  the bday friend's girlfriend stayed with me, and i deleted him from my phone, and deleted the text log.

  i had brought a plant that he left at my house, but he stormed off so i didn't get to give it to him.

1:36 AM so i left it on the front porch. of course, he wasn't home. i didn't care.

  i had asked if he still needed space, and he said yes, and that's when he said the L thing.

  

 me: i'm mailing his car key back to him. and a check that should cover the leftover bills that we had that he's been stalling on.

1:37 AM jocelyn kept telling me that i was so much healthier bc i wasn't running away from my feelings.

  and she's right.

  i'm not angry right now, but a little manic.

 C: manic?

1:38 AM me: a little.

  i don't really get manic, so it's more like i'm energetic

  but not happy.

  not crying, not in a rage.

  just in a FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

  sort of way

 C: rage?

  furious?

 me: like i was just ripped off by a stranger.

 C: ;nods

 me: and now i just have things to attend to.

1:39 AM i don't know who that person was. i have no fucking clue. i knew a person who was smart and funny and easy and a little awkward.

  this person was cold, closed off, and rude. he was mean.

 C: I'm so sorry, hon.

 me: fuck him

  i don't care.

1:40 AM i was trying to feel myself out, to see if i wanted him to disappear or wanted him to be happy or wanted him in my life.

  and i don't care. he's a fucking stranger.

  i'm trying to write a note to go with the check, but my handwriting looks rageful.

1:41 AM C: Sleep on the note?

 me: no, it'll be just business.

1:42 AM  

me: the note says:

1:51 AM Please leave any of my things tha tyou still have on my porch or in my mailbox. I especially need my vacuum, my bike, and my spare car keys. You can keep the octagon until I move out of town, or until you no longer need it.

  [the octagon is a big sturdy end table. he still has it.]

 C: ah

  seems short n curt. perfect.

1:52 AM me: good.

  thanks.

1:53 AM i also have a pair of his glasses that i'm including. 

C: I can't believe he threw a hissy fit at you.

 me: yea

  for real.

  and it hink he was really pissed that i made him do it in front of friends.

  one who now thinks he had a nutty.

  even though i was the one crying in a bar. again.

2:00 AM you know what?

  i have a date on wednesday with a guy who i think will be a good sexual match.

 C: EPIC.

 me: and another date later in the week, with a guy i think will just be a sweet friend and maybe cuddlebuddy.

2:01 AM i'm tired of first dates overall, but these two seem good and i'm excited.

  i was thinking i'd take any first date and just give it a try. i don't think i'm there anymore.