I've been nicely distracted these last few weeks. I finally found some balance in my feelings with Biscuit and P, even as things with the Biscuit drooped and ended and the thing with P seems to be heading the same way. There's a fine line between being proactive and being codependent. I feel like I'm spending a sufficient amount of time alone, and feeling balanced about these last two fizzles makes me think that I'm getting better at non-attachment. This is the second round where I started seeing two people, and then things with both ended at similar times.
It always makes me feel better to be proactive about finding new people when I've lost others. Now I'm starting to wonder if that's just a way to keep people between me and myself. I have friends now. I haven't been calling a lot of them. I haven't been growing most of them. I haven't hung out with T in a while and he's totally willing to be closer with me. I've stopped going out. My energy is still on finding people not on finding things or investing in myself. I have been facing my fear of spending time alone, which I know because of how often I worry that I'll run into E and L and I'll be by myself looking like a loser. I know that last part is BS, but since I worry about it, it must mean I'm spending a good amount of time solo.
M is coming to town in December, and it looks like he'll be spending a few nights with me. I'm trying to be flexible and manage my expectations. I got so upset with him last year for making unsolicited statements ("I don't want to date anyone but you") and then changing his mind and not understanding that it affected me. The thing is, it shouldn't have affected me. Not nearly as much as it did. I held so tightly onto my "expectations" that I ignored the person I was interacting with. I attached so much onto M that I overshot him and attached to arbitrary things instead. Today I texted him to apologize. They're things that happened a long time ago, but I want to claim them. I'm healing. I'm going to move forward.
Still, though. I'm kinda ready for a relationship, albeit a casual one. Gotta interrogate that still.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Disappointment and attraction
After a bit of radio silence, the Biscuit finally told me that something about where our relationship-like thing was headed made him uncomfortable. Probably related to the age difference, but slightly unspecified. I don't really understand relationships except in terms of appropriate feelings and behaviors, so I'm not entirely sure I understood his objection. I think it was kind of that things got sexy (quickly?) and that felt more serious than was comfortable in the dynamics we have in place in our lives. I think? He's new to nonmonogamy, and I already think of things in such an inside-out way, so I'm not sure. After we talked about it for a little bit, he said his excitement about getting to know me hadn't faded. It didn't take too long for me to come around to agreeing that we could be pretty awesome friends who still do goofy things that came up as ideas for future dates. Goodness knows I love friendates anyway. Whether appropriate activities involve sex remains to be discussed, but I suspect his perceptions of relationships make that a no.
I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.
The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.
With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.
At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.
I'll miss the sexiness (and the sweetness) with the Biscuit. I was looking forward to where that was headed, especially after things started happening. I'm having enough good sex in my life in general right now, but I'm lacking intimacy. I got unenthused about cuddle/fuckbuddy OJ about a month back, but there's still a place for him in my life. But that doesn't feel like all I need.
The thing is, when was the last time I had butterflies about someone? Or was rawly attracted? I take pride in the fact that I don't have a physical "type," and my attractions are strongly based on intellectual and emotional compatibility. For the most part, I can develop a physical attraction to anyone. I'm not saying I don't care if I'm attracted to someone, but something genuine can develop in a relationship where other attractions exist. But the last time I remember butterflies was with Morgan, maybe with M. My relationship with M got so serious and intense by the end (and kind of still is) that I don't remember whether there were butterflies early on. I think there were. I've felt anxious butterflies a lot with both Biscuit and P, and I wonder if that's just the baggage-laden version of butterflies. P has been a bit circumspect about when I'll see him again. He finally found a job, so there should be some relief from stress but also some changes in schedule.
With the potential loss of two sexual relationships in the space of a week (yes, again), I've been thinking about what I use sex for, and what attraction means to me. I'm definitely committed to intellectual and emotional attractions foremost. If I'm going to have a sex-only relationships, there still needs to be some element of a nonsexual dynamic. I learned that with D. I didn't want to talk to him about anything -- he's big into politics and he's wrong about all of it. But I did want to fuck him a lot. We connected on an intellectual level, I just didn't like him on an intellectual level.
At the moment, despite having what has so far been regular-to-high amounts of sex, I don't feel especially satisfied. Is that because I don't have butterflies? Were the physical attractions less strong? I still do the thing where I can feel/taste/smell whoever I've been with for two days after, even these last few weeks. The sex I've had has ranged from quite good to amazing, so it doesn't make sense. Sex feels like a physical need, but perhaps the lack of intimacy makes it not quite hit home.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
New normal?
The weekend was difficult, and so was Monday. I'm not sure why, they just were. When A asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, I told her I was back to normal. Which made me realize that "normal" is no longer "crying and panicking in regular fits separated by incessantly processing." I will not say that I'm healed. But I'm back on the forward part of my bumblebee trajectory.
Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.
Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.
I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.
Tuesday night I had a second interview for a new job, and I think it went well. If I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't do well enough at the interview. It'll be because they wanted a different kind of person for the job. Before the interview, I deduced some information that I don't feeling like talking much about, and about which I could be totally wrong, but it had me crying shortly before. CS to the rescue, again. After the interview I went to a party/house show at a friend's house. I was concerned that E might show up, but he's blocked on my fb so I couldn't see if he rsvp'd. I had an out-of-town friend check, and he was a maybe. I was going with friends, and I felt comfortable that if I had a breakdown, they would be there for me. He did show up, shortly before I planned to leave. Someone warned me when he showed up, and I was ok. He came over and talked to the mutual friends I was standing with, and he scowled every time I spoke. He would respond to what I said, but without looking at me or acknowledging that I was the one speaking. I felt pretty unawkward, and bystanders said I didn't seem awkward. E did, though. I've given up trying to be friends. I want to avoid him not because it hurts, but because he isn't someone I want to see. That's a new feeling. Before I left, I emailed out to my support system to see who was still awake. Thank goodness for time zones -- two people were still up, so I stayed on the phone with one of them to make sure I didn't slip into the sads.
Codependency is still my fabulous life partner. I spent several evenings alone that I didn't really feel like spending alone. I was bored, and sometimes lonely. And you know what? I survived. I can also pinpoint why I feel like I do at certain times. I invest so much in others' validation, and recognizing "hey, I feel crappy because no one is currently telling me I'm awesome" is powerful in itself. CS implanted the idea of looking above, or something like that. There's some cute metaphor whose specifics I forget, but the idea is that if you feel like you're in the weeds, start seeing it from above. I've been able to do that a little bit, and I think it's why I was fine on Tuesday.
I debated CS a bit on Monday about the idea of non-attachment. So far I can't see a way to eschew attachment and still be engaged in relationships. I keep pushing every metaphor further. I think eventually part of it will click, and it'll illuminate a way of being that is complementary to my values. I think it'll be about taking care of myself. So when I feel crappy because no one is actively telling me I'm awesome, I make myself remember that that has no bearing on truth. It worked pretty well the last few days. I've also realized that a lot of what I feel is now habit. I feel startled when I see a car like E's, I don't like being home alone during the day because I spent so much time feeling awful at home during the day in the last several months. So yesterday, I went home, realized that it was habit to be nervous of feeling crappy, and just decided not to care. And then distracted myself. Distraction is still key.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Baggage
Every day I see the baggage I have from my relationship with E. On top of the fact that I'm still dealing with it while I'm moving on, it doesn't take much for me to fear that I've fallen out of favor in new relationships. That was always my big concern with E -- because we didn't see love and commitment the same way, I feared he'd just turn around one day and decide I'm not worth it. I spent years trying to believe that E's way of loving was just as strong as mine, even if he expressed it differently. And then I was proven wrong. So any indication of disinterest is a red flag to me. I have no idea anymore how to gauge someone else's interest, even friends. It doesn't help that everyone but me seems to think it's polite to be indirect, to which I infallibly respond with being pushy and doubting their intentions.
I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.
I'm relieved that I can claim this as my own issue and work to keep it from changing how I act. But as my casual interests turn into crushes, it's getting to be a bigger problem. So I'm just gonna step back. I've got to. Even if that means not spending time with folks I want to see. What I want is for people to reach out to me. And I'll survive if they don't. But if I never give them the chance, I'll never get there. I have to trust that I'm not the only person who wants this to happen, whatever the 'this' is.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Grief as told through Ani songs
I've been going from anger to sadness during my downtime this weekend. When I was hanging out with people, I felt ok, even if I was talking about E. But when left to my own devices, I swing from sobbing at the loss of everything that felt comfortable, to raging because he couldn't love me enough. I have mostly flamed out for the night.
There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:
I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.
I am now here:
I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through... I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]
And I'm hoping to get closer to here:
I've got better things to do than survive.
There's no good sad Ani song, so skipping that stage, I was here:
I am better than everything that came before. You were never very kind, and you let me way down every time. Oh what can I say, I adore you. [and later] Oh what can I say, I abhor you.
I am now here:
I am getting nowhere with you. I can't let it go and I can't get through... I am writing graffiti on your body, I am writing the story of how hard we tried. [Though to be fair, the graffiti-writing part makes me think more of current lovers than past.]
And I'm hoping to get closer to here:
I've got better things to do than survive.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
What a new life looks like
This week was hard. Monday was E's birthday, and that set off a week of feeling a little on edge, and crying for a bit pretty much every day. At some point CS reminded me that it's ok to feel like shit, and it's ok to sit with that. I keep wishing that it would just go away, and I beat myself up for feeling bad ever. So I cried. I cried like the world was ending. And then it stopped. The world was still here, and I'm ok.
I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.
Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.
There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.
A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.
Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.
The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.
Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.
I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.
That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.
I haven't talked to E since J's birthday on 10/8, when he kept walking away from me during a conversation that didn't need to be contentious. I keep hearing that there's a long curve here, but I'll be ok, and we can be friends eventually. That's probably true, but so far forgiveness doesn't appear in the cycles of grief. I have been out of control with anxiety, and I have been needy, and this has been to a frightening extent a few times. But I haven't been mean. I haven't treated E as anything but a person I love(d?). He has (figuratively) pushed me away hard, so hard sometimes that I have (figuratively) fallen hard on my ass.
Last night I went to a friend's firepit extravaganza, to which she had invited a few mutual friends and one couple who I didn't know very well. A and C were really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them much. A is writing her dissertation, and we had already decided via text to be studybuddies. When I found out that it was ok to invite people to the shindig, I invited Biscuit to come. He did, and it was amazing. I was characteristically nervous about the age gap, and about seeing I and C, who are a couple that me and E had been friends with and whom I hadn't seen since the breakup.
There was a lot of talk about E throughout the night, and I've stopped defending him. I am by no means bad-mouthing him. When people ask why we broke up, I say because it was do or die time -- I knew what I wanted, and he didn't, but he was pretty sure it wasn't the same thing. And when they ask why we aren't speaking, I say that it's because he's dating someone who was a mutual friend, and he got mad at me because she doesn't like being around me. It's no longer "oh, we just need some space." No. Friends are saying "Oh yeah, I thought I saw E with that girl L at the farmers market." Yeah. You did. Shut up. And I do ask people to shut up. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I had a really hard time earlier this week feeling replaced, and it took a while to realized that my earlier realization about replacement is still true. I can't be replaced. I can be distracted away from, but this shit is deep and it's painful. Stopping the bleeding isn't the same as healing. I hope he heals. Some part of me needs to believe that he misses me like I miss him; most of me thinks that's actually true.
A is amazing, and I didn't realize that she's the ex-wife of the friend who hosted last night's party. Their situation was pretty different from me and E, but she and I are a lot alike, and her ex D is not unlike E. They're both sociable, lovely people who it's hard to demonize. A understands where I am better than most people probably do, though that is why I've loved getting closer to C and S lately. They get where I am, too.
Back to the fun things. So, the Biscuit came with me to the party. The event, especially at first, was basically a lesbian gossip get-together, and he didn't seem fazed. The first time he walked away from the group to go get something, I asked my friends to verify that he was actually as precious and wonderful as I thought. They affirmed. After that, every time he walked away, they started talking about how much they love him. At first they didn't realize that this is a new thing and not a multi-month thing, but that didn't change anything. C (of C and I) basically wants him to be her new best friend. Once, the instant he was out of earshot, C said, "You need to lock that down. Like now," and then held up her hand to imply that there should be a ring on it. It cracked me up, and was a nice ego boost. It's nice when other people see what I do in someone I like. When I told another friend that Biscuit had used "might could" and referred to it as a double modal, she said "TAP THAT." Also cracked me up. Their entreaties have not, however, convinced me to get into a relationship I'm not ready for.
The Biscuit reminds me SO much of D. Not in a spitting-image way, but in a way that makes me smile. His conversational style, his genuine interest in whoever he's talking to, his puns, his enthusiasm, and his (dis)comfort with gender and the fucking up of roles. I knew that I liked guys who aren't macho-macho men, but I tend to think about that in stereotypically external ways. But it's not just that. I love when guys can be expressive and vulnerable at the same time they're pensive and strong. Juxtapositions and gender-role-smashing have always been turn-ons.
Things went from sweet to sexy, and I feel like we're in a good place. Emotional intimacy turned up after the sexy, which we identified and claimed, and then kept going on with. Turns out, he reads my blog (the link is on my facebook; I've done the same thing to others), so HI BISCUIT! But also, he already knew several things that I've told him -- like that I'm not ready for a committed relationship. Biscuit said that he's only been in a nonmonogamous relationship once, and they didn't do it very well. He hasn't really dated (in the not-committed-relationships way), and until about two months ago, neither had I. I think it'll be nice to explore polyamory with someone who is open to it but isn't an old hat the way a lot of my friends were when I was first exploring. Come to think of it, Cuteboy is sort of in the same place, if a bit more committed to the concept than the Biscuit is at this point.
I'm finding that sex is an important entre to intimacy for me. I've had sex with people I didn't later have emotional intimacy with, but there seems to be a chronological correlation. I wasn't sure how much intimacy was possible with Biscuit until after we got sexy. Now I feel like emotional intimacy is starting and safe, and I don't feel like my feelings are inflated in that way that can happen to me sometimes. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think relationships are really different types, exactly. There might be a Venn diagram there, but mostly I think it's like a checklist. I would marry any of my soulmates in an instant, raise a family with them, and never look back. I don't feel romantic or sexual towards them, but those are just two lines on the checklist, and they aren't actually in the "necessary for forever-partnering" column for me. (They are, however, in the "preferred for forever-partnering" column.) But anyway, I like that the things I'm attracted to in friends are the same things I'm attracted to in lovers and partners. That feels consistent, and it seems like evidence that I've undone some of the role expectations that I was handed about boy-girl relationships.
That last paragraph is going to be the beginning of a Slut Manifesto. I'm finding myself developing a slut identity, when slut is defined as loving who I want when I want with whatever parts of my heart or body I want. It's become difficult to explain how sex can sometimes be a deep expression of love, and sometimes just a thing to do when I'm bored, and then everything in between. Biscuit looked a bit alarmed when I said that sex without any emotion is a possibility for me. I don't think it's a possibility for me with him, though. Last night felt intimate in a way that wasn't just physical, but that still felt balanced and comfortable. It feels like a good context to think again about my poly rules and my way of being. The last time I updated my Poly Manifesto was in 2008, so, yeah, it's time.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Happy Birthday, E
I want to write an eloquent happy birthday post to E, because he turns 30 today. I've been sad because I thought I'd be celebrating this day with him, and I thought it would be kind of amazing to think that when we each turn 30, we'd be well on our way to a life together. That obviously hasn't happened.
I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.
I like eloquence because it feels poetic, and poetry seems to pull my pain out in a lovely string. I'm not there right now. I hate this. I want to be friends with the person I loved. I don't know if he still exists. I hope he does. But I'm prepared if he doesn't.
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