Every morning I wake up trying not to check social media. Every day at work I struggle to focus and not wonder why my phone is so quiet. I try not to notice if the boy I'm sporadically seeing is on gchat. I try not to think about whether the other guy I've been talking to is going to finally make real plans to hang out.
Then I decide I should do something to fix it, and I write, usually to a buddy. Today I feel like I've probably fried my regular buddies. I have no plans this week, and T is about to go to Germany for 10 days. I guess I do have plans Tuesday, but that's it. I left my gym bag home today because I forgot it's Wednesday, so I guess I'm not going to the gym. I need to set more volunteer training sessions, but I keep trying to keep my nights open for plans that keep not getting made. And running the store by myself will probably be kinda lonely.
I am not someone who thrives on my own. I am someone who loves having time alone when it's not the norm. I can take care of myself fine, and I can survive loneliness and boredom, but I don't like it. And I'm really really tired of not liking the most common theme in my life.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Time to talk about my mental health again
Silly as I know it is, I hoped my depression would fade when I moved to Boston. Far away from the things that hurt, and in a new place where my only task would be to build up rather than watch my life fall apart, I figured my poles would be nostalgia and happiness. I was wrong.
I love my job, but it's still a job, in an office, with stress, and occasionally without anyone else around all day. I still watch/listen to a lot of tv and radio news to keep from feeling so isolated. I like where I live, and my roommate is one of my dearest friends. My money is holding up ok, which has been helped by the fact that I don't eat out during the week. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and soak up the endorphins. I cook all my meals for the week on the weekends, and I have a routine that's comfortable. I have a few friends, including two of my best friends, and I can generally find people to hang out with when I want to. I still talk to several friends and my mom every week. I'm even dating some people, one who's flaky and hard to get in touch with.
And yet I'm depressed. Bored and lonely. I fret over whether anyone will like me, whether I'll ever find a partner. I get home in the evenings and just stare. Or watch TV. I assume that's ok for some people, but it's not ok for me. I don't want to live like this, temporarily or permanently.
I'm taking steps to build things. I'm volunteering at the local anarchist bookstore, and I'm embarking on a plan to visit museums and things that I want to visit. I have a second date with someone in two weeks, and I'm confirming a first date for tonight. I'm pretty excited about the former, but I know that I want to be in something more serious and I'm not sure he can do that. Plus it's hard to think about it without knowing where he is and how he's feeling. I'm bad at not thinking about it. But his life is full, he has several partners and hobbies and school and family. And I'm just floating out here, needing validation and company.
I need to be satisfied with my life as I've built it. Boredom is temporary. My life is mine. Still, I can't conceive of my life feeling full without a partner, but I know that I can't be in a relationship until I'm ok with the idea of my life feeling full just on my own. I always know that I'm depressed rather than sad because I can't see a way out. Sadness has a path out, even if it seems unattainable. Right now I can't imagine any situation where I'm not depressed. I often wonder, rationally and without emotion, if there's any point to keeping up trying to live. Why would I want to keep being miserable? Since I'm not in a tail-spin at the moment, I recognize that that's not a healthy thought. Last night I finally shared that thought with my bestie. I promised them I would tell someone else so the burden wasn't totally on them. I also explained that I'm not in a flurry of emotion that would cause me to hurt myself. Because it comes from a thought process, however irrational it truly is, I'm also able to intervene and reach out and ask other to take care of me until I can be distracted enough to move past it. I'm not in danger. But I'm not happy and I'm not ok being unhappy.
So it's time to find a new doctor and get my next birth control shot, a therapist to deal with the codependency issues, and possibly a psychiatrist to figure out how I can be on 150mg of zoloft and still be depressed all the time.
Time for a new plan. Today, I'll call my new insurance-provided PCP and make an appointment. I'll call mom, get work done, eat lunch, get work done, have my afternoon coffee. Then I'll enjoy my date tonight, and I'll send an email back to the guy I'll see again in a few weeks. I'll bake vegan cupcakes for an event tomorrow with a group I've never met before, and I'll go to bed. If I'm going to feel like a depressed zombie, I'm going to keep moving. I know the only way to break out of the coating of blah is to keep moving, even if it doesn't seem like it's going to help.
I love my job, but it's still a job, in an office, with stress, and occasionally without anyone else around all day. I still watch/listen to a lot of tv and radio news to keep from feeling so isolated. I like where I live, and my roommate is one of my dearest friends. My money is holding up ok, which has been helped by the fact that I don't eat out during the week. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and soak up the endorphins. I cook all my meals for the week on the weekends, and I have a routine that's comfortable. I have a few friends, including two of my best friends, and I can generally find people to hang out with when I want to. I still talk to several friends and my mom every week. I'm even dating some people, one who's flaky and hard to get in touch with.
And yet I'm depressed. Bored and lonely. I fret over whether anyone will like me, whether I'll ever find a partner. I get home in the evenings and just stare. Or watch TV. I assume that's ok for some people, but it's not ok for me. I don't want to live like this, temporarily or permanently.
I'm taking steps to build things. I'm volunteering at the local anarchist bookstore, and I'm embarking on a plan to visit museums and things that I want to visit. I have a second date with someone in two weeks, and I'm confirming a first date for tonight. I'm pretty excited about the former, but I know that I want to be in something more serious and I'm not sure he can do that. Plus it's hard to think about it without knowing where he is and how he's feeling. I'm bad at not thinking about it. But his life is full, he has several partners and hobbies and school and family. And I'm just floating out here, needing validation and company.
I need to be satisfied with my life as I've built it. Boredom is temporary. My life is mine. Still, I can't conceive of my life feeling full without a partner, but I know that I can't be in a relationship until I'm ok with the idea of my life feeling full just on my own. I always know that I'm depressed rather than sad because I can't see a way out. Sadness has a path out, even if it seems unattainable. Right now I can't imagine any situation where I'm not depressed. I often wonder, rationally and without emotion, if there's any point to keeping up trying to live. Why would I want to keep being miserable? Since I'm not in a tail-spin at the moment, I recognize that that's not a healthy thought. Last night I finally shared that thought with my bestie. I promised them I would tell someone else so the burden wasn't totally on them. I also explained that I'm not in a flurry of emotion that would cause me to hurt myself. Because it comes from a thought process, however irrational it truly is, I'm also able to intervene and reach out and ask other to take care of me until I can be distracted enough to move past it. I'm not in danger. But I'm not happy and I'm not ok being unhappy.
So it's time to find a new doctor and get my next birth control shot, a therapist to deal with the codependency issues, and possibly a psychiatrist to figure out how I can be on 150mg of zoloft and still be depressed all the time.
Time for a new plan. Today, I'll call my new insurance-provided PCP and make an appointment. I'll call mom, get work done, eat lunch, get work done, have my afternoon coffee. Then I'll enjoy my date tonight, and I'll send an email back to the guy I'll see again in a few weeks. I'll bake vegan cupcakes for an event tomorrow with a group I've never met before, and I'll go to bed. If I'm going to feel like a depressed zombie, I'm going to keep moving. I know the only way to break out of the coating of blah is to keep moving, even if it doesn't seem like it's going to help.
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